I feel like I am losing it. I feel myself slipping and I am so scared I’m going to lose my shit. I don’t want to be who I used to be. I don’t want to cut, I don’t want to try and kill myself. I like being in the real world and not locked up in one place after another. I like the freedom. But I feel like I am going to do something I will regret.. God, what the fuck is wrong with me. Why can’t I be normal and feel normal and think normal. I just want to be safe.. I barely sleep, or eat. And when I am awake, I feel really panicky, I feel like someone is sitting on my chest. I’m trying so hard to be strong… but I don’t think I can do it anymore..
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Hey.
It sounds like you suffer from anxiety, or something along those lines? I’m sorry, that must feel really bad, but I believe you can feel better. It is okay not to be “normal”. The important thing here is that you can feel better, that is what matters, more than how “normal” you are. You are you, and that is good.
Also, it’s good that you appreciate being free, and that freedom also includes that you can ask for help from others. You don’t have to be strong all on your own. You can ask for help, and you can have a say in whether you are admitted or stay free.
You don’t need to feel like you are going to do something you will regret, because you can control your actions, and probably a good idea would be to seek help from those around you, and also to try to go to bed at the same time every night, if possible. To get your body into a nice routine where it gets used to getting tired and sleeping at the same time always.
Then there is food. Maybe try just a little of your favourite food? Then you can eat more, if you feel like it. I think it’s good to expose your body to the option. Give it a chance to try some food.
Regarding the panicky feelings, and the weight you feel on your chest, that might be worth seeing a doctor about. Or just “getting it off your chest” by talking to someone nearby.
You can change how you think, gradually, I would really recommend the so-called Serenity Prayer/Stoicism, which is basically about focusing on what you can control (your thoughts and actions, being kind to yourself, asking for help, doing things at your own pace), and letting go of what you can’t control (other people’s actions, your feelings, and so on).
I think you can be fine. Also, if you’re on psychiatric medication, I recommend the book Anatomy of an Epidemic, which is something of an eye-opener, when it comes to how medication can actually keep you “sick”, rather than help you.
Good luck 🙂