It’s only a matter of time!

I had a surgery back in November 2016 that’s left me in debilitating constant agonizing pain. I developed multiple hernias after a surgery I had back in June 2016. They were incisional hernias. They weren’t painful, but very uncomfortable. I decided to have elected surgery to repair them. I agreed for the surgeon to suture them and then use mesh to reinforce them, so they wouldn’t reoccur. Which was her recommendation. After I came out of surgery I was in agonizing pain and no amount of Narcotics that they gave me could take away the pain. I knew something had gone wrong during surgery, I knew something wasn’t right. My surgeon had left town, because it was right before Thanksgiving. I asked the PA for the chart notes regarding the surgery and what had been done. When I read them, I couldn’t believe it, she had done what’s called component separation and filled my entire abdominal region with mesh. It’s now nine months since the surgery and I’m having to take a lot of Narcotics to keep the pain at a bearable level. I’ve been to a total of four surgeons and they say that the surgery that was done was the most invasive possible surgery she could have done and cannot be reversed, nor can the mesh be removed, because it becomes one with your faccia. Since the surgery a new hernia has recurred! When I consulted with a hernia specialist he said the only way that surgery would be an option to fix it, is if it was life threatening because my intestines were being strangulated by it. What’s been done to me is a crime, I never agreed to this type of surgery, nor did the surgeon ever consult with me or explain this type of surgery with me. Anyways, I cannot live like this! I have my Suicide planned and everything I need for it. Fortunately, I found a way that’s painless, peaceful and quick. The hardest part for me is hurting the people I love. It’s hard to make them understand how much pain that I’m in and that there’s no quality of life in that. Don’t get me wrong I love life. I cherish it. It’s a gift from God. I just don’t know what other choice that I have. I’ll take any advice I can get. If there’s some option I may have missed? I don’t want to die, but again I can’t live like this!