Losing my last scintilla of resilience

I posted before about how my suicide plan was put on hold when a friend found out and took me to the hospital. Somehow, those two nights in the hospital provided enough time and space for me to find one last scintilla of resilience within my soul, and I swore I would put all of my effort into staying alive.

And I did some things: I decided I’m going to move across the country (a decision I had made earlier but had started to get cold feet about), and I started making preparations for that move, including finding a place to live and booking my plane ticket…..and then…..

I don’t know, I just ran out of gas. Couldn’t do anything. I had an appointment on Saturday with a psychologist and I overslept and missed it. The appointment was at eleven thirty in the morning! I had slept through all of my alarms. I called and apologized profusely of course, but couldn’t get another appointment until Wednesday.

I can’t get out of bed. I don’t want to do anything or talk to anyone. I am supposed to go on a road trip with friends at the end of the week, and then go see my sister and my niece. I figure I should at least wait until after that trip to die.

But right now I don’t feel like I have the stamina to get through another day. I wish I could just die in my sleep. I just can’t do this anymore and I want it to stop