My Note…. Suggestions?

Here is my note, purposefully vague or else it would be a novel.

This is not a suicide note. This is simply my documentation that I purposefully and willfully decided to put a permanent end to my physical and emotional pain.

I weighed all my options carefully, choosing the one that would ultimately be beneficial to all involved. I must admit I went so far as to insure that everyone was angry at me to make it that much easier.

My girls are grown independent women that no longer need the likes of a clingy father in their lives. Therefore, without me around,they will be able to enjoy their current paths and create enjoyable memories for them with their new families. Someone once told me, when referring to a friend’s parent that committed suicide, that despite the initial grief they felt, that the now deceased parent was no longer able to let their children down. I think this fits my current situation perfectly. Additionally, the idea of my current strained and uninvolved parental role (being the norm) terrifies and saddens me (especially since I put my kids first for everything); making this decision that much clearer

I have struggled with depression, anxiety and physical pain for as long as I can remember. The fact no one believed me has always confused me but given the fragmented narrative of my life I now understand why. However, I do realize that some in the family chose to believe the worst as it benefited them financially. What I did underhanded, others were receiving openly – a fact that has irritated me for years.

I won’t even go into my early years, since there will never be acknowledgement of the physical and emotional pain inflicted upon me as a child. Actually, it is amazing I made it this far,

The last 10 years or so have been tremendously difficult, with my inability to no longer hide or outwardly cope with my depression. Again, where my pain was dismissed and negated, for others it was a daily topic to insure their mental health was passionately addressed. Witnessing this firsthand just accelerated my downward spiral, but to be fair I should have left long ago, started a new life and never looked back. I can give specifics but it would serve no useful purpose at this point.

Lastly, this act should not come as any surprise as I attempted numerous times to openly seek help and address my issues.  Maybe it was just too uncomfortable for friends and family to hear or perhaps I didn’t give it the urgency it required, I believe I did, but again, it no longer matters. Maybe a lesson for the future is to help family (equally) before strangers, paying to have people sing your praises is a delusional attempt at recognition. I say this because I too was guilty of this at one time. I really do hope everyone gets what they want and deserve out of life

Given the fact that mom just died has truly shown me I am alone. Being reminded she was my only ally proves I am screwed.

PS¦ I guess this was a note after all.