((follow up to oscillate wildly))
so. maybe…2 weeks after i made my earlier post we moved from the apartments i hated. and i was so happy! i was doing so well mentally because we had a better place now. i dropped out of band in another effort to reduce stress and also because i lowkey hated band now, and the new place was about 10 minutes farther away from my school. if i had to get up at 5:45 in order to make practices then, it would be 5:25 now and…no thanks.
i just got back from a trip to the lake with a friend and it was great. kayaking, swimming, smores – i honestly truly felt like life was taking a turn. apparently not. after maybe a month of living here we’re…not officially evicted but basically evicted again. since my mother doesn’t think getting a job is necessary we scrape by on her child support and social security. i…don’t wanna say i hate my mother. i just hate living with her. i hate that she’s stubborn and childlike and irresponsible. i hate that her stubborness and the fact she’s so uaed to living on other peoples’ dime makes her unable to realise she needs to be an adult. she doesn’t even know how to be an adult. i know how to be an adult. and i hate that yknow? i started growing up at 13 because of her. that’s not fair. i want to be a teenager. i want my greasy skin to be the end of the world.
we’ve moved 4 times this year bwcause of her. soon to be 5. and when i try to call her out, even gently, i just feel bad. she really just…doesn’t realize. it’s not completely her fault. it just…is. and i love her so so much, she’s still so kind and amazing but it’s not fair the things i’ve had to deal with. she put me through so much and all of it could’ve been avoided. i know it’s selfish for me to be saying this. i know others have it so much but this still fucking sucks.
and i feel so guilty and scared when i think about killing myself. guilty because…so many people care about me and would be so devastated if i offed myself. my younger half siblings. my friends. my teachers.
scared because…what comes next? what if i’m actually a horrible person and go to hell? what if i go to heaven? wouldn’t heaven eventually get boring? eventually i would run out of games to play and tv shows and movies to watch and books to read in heaven. eternity is so long. the idea of being bored with absolutely nothing to do for more time than i can comprehend….that’s basically hell too, right? but i just Do Not Want To Be Alive Anymore. and if i am alive, i don’t wanna live like this.
it’s pretty shallow but honestly? if i was rich i don’t think i would kms. all my problems would be solved by like….$3,000 right now. but that’s not the way the world works and it probably never will in my lifetime.
edit: im 16 so moving out? not an option right now.
i just. i really really wish i was dead.