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Im really struggling to understand how/why my husband chose not only to blame me but to make a campaign out of it in his suicide. His note blames a threat I made (I kept threatening to have him arrested for his violence, I was referring to historical violence but he was paranoid and thought I’d lie and say it was ongoing) but also makes reference to needing the kids to be saved from me, calling me a monster. He left a list of alleged domestic abuse I’d done which ranges from true, to lie, to downright bizarre, to deliberately calculated to sound like something bad when it wasn’t (eg. saying I didn’t let him look at women in underwear on tv which isn’t true, the reality is I didn’t let him look at porn, so he had the logical thought that by saying “doesn’t let me look at porn” a lot of people would be on my side or find it not unusual, so he made it sound crazy by saying “women in underwear”)

At no point does he say he loves me but he does say he loves his kids. The note is short and functional. Very well thought out and planned, carefully written.

His final email to me is not so, it’s more anger and spite, saying I’ve abused him for the whole 11 years, there was only one escape etc…. but it does end with “I gave you everything I had, built my whole life for our family, did everything you ever asked, but it wasn’t enough, nothing ever is” which is the nicest thing in the whole email!

Now I’ll admit I’m not an angel but he was far from one too, and this argument was no different to any other..

Anyone here write a similar note and not mean it?

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Baconrind 9/6/2017 - 9:01 am

There was no note but my partners family blamed me. They would use her accounts to abuse me after she passed away. They wrote to a lot of my friend’s saying I forced her to when I told her not to. If it helps them grieve then that’s great but I blame myself enough. I hope you’re doing ok

Cause of Death: Suicide 9/6/2017 - 2:12 pm

No, I wouldn’t blame anyone but that is just me. No one means enough to me to make that big of a impact on me or to control what I do with my body and mind. I only rely on myself, so It’s a completely personal choice for myself that I made at 12 (yeah that is young but I was never immature.. and I’m 23 now, still not immature.) Nothing has driven me to do it that has happened outside of myself.. I just want to end my life as I have nothing to live for. I am just wasting my time until I can die, nothing interests me.. I’d rather waste my entire life high or drunk alone in a mountain or cave somewhere than live in this dull routined society where you have to fit in just so.. I don’t have the means to live how’d I’d enjoy so there is nothing else to do. Sure, other people piss me off but I wouldn’t kill myself because of them. I only would kill myself for me and my desire to be out of my body and mind and the world. I could easily say well I blame you because you pissed me off that one time or were just consistently a soul sucking asshole to the stupid teenagers that are p.o.s. fuckbags but that would just be out of angst and for attention probably. I don’t need attention, I am not immature, but I would only end my life following my desire to do so.

a1957 9/6/2017 - 5:51 pm

I have written a few notes but as you can see I am still around. In them I would assign responsibility to certain individuals or even organizations, but never a spouse or SO. I figured a note would be the last thing I would ever write and I didn’t want it to be sour grapes or make me out to be a jerk. (Though I have been called that and it has been true.) It sounds like your late husband had issues that started before he married you. Hey I just remembered: there are sites devoted to publishing suicide notes and I have been to several of them. Very few had anything bad to say about anyone and when they did they did not go into detail.

AKidWithAName 9/23/2017 - 8:36 pm

Okay, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from being constantly suicidal,it’s this: one’s actions are one’s own fault. I appreciate that you’ve admitted that you were not perfect. That means you understand and you’re going to be able to handle this. You are responsible for not being the perfect wife, and he is responsible for not being the perfect husband. Comparing one’s faults to another does no one any good. What’s happened has happened, and everyone was at fault at some point.

This being said, my one pet peeve in suicide notes is someone blaming somebody else, be it a parent, a bully, or a partner. At the end of the day, your husband made the decision to kill himself, and that is on him. It really aggravates me that people have the audacity to blame other people, but I suppose I blamed people once, too. Sure, other people might have done things to bring certain realizations to light, but one makes their own mind up to kill themself, and I believe it is childish to do anything but that.

I understand how this happens, though. When people are miserable, they don’t want to assign blame to themselves because that will make them feel worse. I was fucked up as a kid, pretty bad and by a whole bunch of people, and at the time, I blamed them. (Trust me, I know now how childish that is, given that I was only 10-12 at the time, but still. Immaturity is immaturity no matter the age.) Empathy doesn’t mean I see it as morally right or excusable, but sometimes it is best to see things through the other person’s eyes.

I don’t blame you for his suicide, and I hope you don’t either.

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