I don’t know when all of this started, I just know it keeps getting stronger by the day.
I was never the one to believe that you have to tell others your problems, never thought of mental health as something real, I just thought of it as something you make to yourself, because you are not strong enough, or smart, or pretty enough, a weakness if you will, and I still do.
I didn’t have the baddest of childhoods, nor the best. I was bullied since I was a kid till I finished high school, but I kept going, knowing that something better was waiting for me at the end of the nightmare…
I was never the one to bully anyone, to make bad jokes about them, on the contrary, I did my best to help them, but all I received back was hate, for reasons that I have yet to understand. Sure, I made some friends along the way, but I could never talk to them so open, like what I’m doing now, my parents also tried talking to me but I just didn’t feel the need to tell anyone, after all, it was my battle to carry on.
They understood this as hate, they wouldn’t stop saying that I don’t love them, that I shouldn’t be like this, or that I had to be like that, or that they didn’t deserve what I was doing to them, when the only thing I was doing was not tell them, or anyone for that matter… Like everyone else, they made about themselves something that was hurting (and still does) me.
I started to hate everyone, almost… Almost as much as I hate myself… Because I’m never good enough, because if I was then this would not be happening. Every time someone needs help, I put them before me, even if it’s a stranger, most of the time they are happy because I solve their problems, but if I fail… Then they blame me, because I wasn’t strong or smart or good enough. And I can’t blame them for that, I do the same every night, blaming myself that is…
I fight with depression since I was around 12… I’m almost 20 now, and it’s gotten 10 times worse since then. I don’t want to seek help, I just want someone… Anyone to see though the fake smile that I put everyday, to stay with me as long as I need, even in silence, someone that doesn’t tell me it will be okay, that I need to get trough it. I just want a friend… A real one… Someone to understand the pain. Someone that takes my burdens, so I could take theirs.
Who knows how much I will last, I’ve been strong enough to hide it from everyone 8 years, but I don’t think I can make it much more.
I just… I just wish to be happy, and if that’s what death will bring me, then who am I to complain…
10 comments
It’s amazing to me how similar the stories are of people like us. We are the caregivers, the helpers, the people that try so hard to make sure everyone else is happy and safe yet we can’t do the same for ourselves. We are like sponges that take in everyone’s pain and suffering. While those we help go on with life we are left pulling this wagon of shit that we didn’t even create. I wish that I could give you some answers, my friend, but we are both asking the same question. My only comfort in life is that I can sleep at night knowing that I’ve never intentionally hurt anyone and that I have helped others in the past. If there is a heaven, then we should get front row seats…
I totally agree. We give others boats so we can all drown in the ocean while they sail away. We watch them live good lives while the water sucks our energy, sucks us into the abyss. I wish I was there for you, TheLastReaper, feeling each other pain, just being there even through the silences. I wish since I can’t be there for you, you do find a real friend, someone who’s just there for you.
Yeah “The Devil Speaks”, I’m glad you understand the feeling, I hope we can get our boat before it’s too late…
Take care…
That’s the only thing that makes me sleep at night too… Glad some people still put others before themselves.
Take care.
I feel the same way
Why don’t you want to seek help?
I want help, just in a different way…
I actually thought the same thing about mental health. I still do to a degree, but I think that mental weakness is more about if you do or don’t give in. I used to go home everyday and dwell on bad things, some days I still do. It might seem near impossible at first to avoid negative thoughts, but after a while I got better and I’ve almost gotten to the point where I have aspirations again. Also, there are herbal supplements that are supposed to help with your mood without having the negative effects anti-depressants do.
I have a fever, so I’m sorry if this doesn’t make a lot of sense
It does make sense, believe me. Thanks for trying to help.
Take care.
I feel the same. I tried to hang myself in the woods near my house last night. The branch broke now I have to try and explain these rope burns on my neck. Ever want to talk I’d like to listen or talk back.