Tipping Point

I had written about how, a few weeks ago, I was 100% percent prepared to execute my plan, but I was stopped.  (Well, since I allowed myself to be stopped, maybe I was only 95% prepared.)

After that incident, I promised some good friends that I would stick around and try to make things work.

I gave it my best effort, but things only got worse.  I am supposed to be moving across the country tomorrow to start a new job.   Originally this was a move filled with promise and hope of a fresh start.   However, due to a conversation I had with the employer, it appears that I have already torpedoed this fresh start.  (Which seems to be my pattern–I keep starting over, and then I keep screwing up.)

Last night I came very close to executing a less than perfect suicide plan, but I realized it was less than perfect, and also I am staying with friends and I figured it would be unfair to them.

I am not ready to make this move across the country.  I have a million things to do today, including cleaning out my old office here and I just don’t have enough time.   I had said in an earlier post that I had a scintilla of resilience left, but that scintilla has dwindled, and it has become clear to me that the decision I made in the first place was the right one.

I am so sad to leave behind some really great friends who love me, but this has to be done.   I will be moving to a new city, and shortly after arriving, I will be leaving again for another destination.

I just hope that : a) my plan works and I actually die; b) my friends and family will not blame themselves or think there is anything they could have done, and c) if there is an afterlife that it isn’t filled with as much pain as this one has been.

I’m scared and sad that this has to happen and I wish my friends understood.