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what it feels like

by claryland

i almost hate everything. and i’m most dissatisfied with all things.

but i had some frozen yogurt today with my two friends and it was the first day of school. i dislike being so young and feeling this way—everyone says you shouldn’t have to feel this way at such a young age?

but i realized after i sat down with the two of them and was looking forward to enjoy a small bowl of frozen yogurt, i had immediately thought that i’d rather be in my bed listening to some vast silence that i’ve come to love.

everyone was so nice and so kind and so was i. i just want to make it stop though.

that thing i feel is not an addiction. i wouldn’t consider it an addiction anyway. i just don’t care. not anymore.

i’m too carefree and letting anything happen to me. it feels like i’ve lost control but then again i still don’t care.

i don’t exactly know when or why? it’s not something you can specifically identify.

“no but when did you start feeling depressed?”

“on the 5th of may 2009 10:39pm on a saturday night i think.”

why did the doctors think that’s how it works?

and then they said that depressed people don’t feel happy.

if that’s so, then why did i laugh with friends when we were goofing around while eating our frozen yogurt? why was i smiling??? how come i felt happy?

am i not really depressed? could it be that i’m bipolar?

i have this ability to feel happy and it’s there. why did i feel like i got better in that moment. i mean when i laughed along with them and spouted our inside jokes together?

and after i went away from the scene, i lost myself in this abyss of nothingness again.

because it feels like it’s what i must do to myself.

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Owsley 9/7/2017 - 11:52 am

Definitely could be bipolar. I have the same symptoms and I was diagnosed as bipolar. Lots of meds later and I’m doing well for the most part. Go see a therapist to see what they think after you’ve tt them. They don’t immediately seek out drugs to put you on, so don’t worry about that.

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