I have been standing outside the house for a while, letting my thoughts hit hard on love and company.
I really miss my ex, but not because she was someone who gave me trust. But because she was something to hug, hold and have sex with.
It’s easy to remember our time together as lovely, but in fact it wasn’t as so. therefor I decided to quit it, and even then I’m still missing that hug.
I feel like play Chas game against “time”, as if some kind of persona, shaped like a standing clock, is over thinking me at a chess game, and slowly winning.
I wish I could go back to a friendly environment, but there are no friends to go to. I wish I could go back to my ex (one of few), but they have move on.
I keep these words for myself, because I know it’s a sign of “choosing the wrong thing”, because getting love “right” is taking my too long…and Mr. Time doesn’t wait, he has his moved fixed up for me, he rules the game board.
I am deeply sad for not keeping up connections. I’m sad for letting outside sources (aka crisis in plural) hit me hard and let me go off on friendships.
like seeing a lone wolf, hitting hard through the snow, with a great pride and a dead animal snapped down by his teeth, I get admired. I get admired by old “friends”, by strangers, by girl friends, by family. I get admired for my courage to stand…
What I don’t get is the help I need. I don’t get sleep, I don’t get calmed, I don’t get happiness at the end of the day. I don’t get why I can’t be with a girl that I like, why everyone that I like is fucking taken by a shit head? (and I’m more fit than the shit head) I CAN’T FUCKING SLEEP. I can’t either cry.
I don’t get how I don’t have time.. oh well.. I get it.. I’m working at a job, studying engineering, helping my mom’s mental and at her work, I’m fixing the house, doing shoppings, doing calisthenics like a pro…
but I’m not living. I know what my blood worth. I know that I’m going to finish this rout to the end of the degree with my head up. But at what price?
At what fucking price?
In conclusion – I’m not surprise to see people say “OMG I didn’t know” when it’s too late.
you guys are my mental medications. your comments, your idea, the fact that some one read what I feel, and knows it. It helps. and I appreciate it.
Stay strong, be brave, yours Jac.