I have been standing outside the house for a while, letting my thoughts hit hard on love and company.
I really miss my ex, but not because she was someone who gave me trust. But because she was something to hug, hold and have sex with.
It’s easy to remember our time together as lovely, but in fact it wasn’t as so. therefor I decided to quit it, and even then I’m still missing that hug.
I feel like play Chas game against “time”, as if some kind of persona, shaped like a standing clock, is over thinking me at a chess game, and slowly winning.
I wish I could go back to a friendly environment, but there are no friends to go to. I wish I could go back to my ex (one of few), but they have move on.
I keep these words for myself, because I know it’s a sign of “choosing the wrong thing”, because getting love “right” is taking my too long…and Mr. Time doesn’t wait, he has his moved fixed up for me, he rules the game board.
I am deeply sad for not keeping up connections. I’m sad for letting outside sources (aka crisis in plural) hit me hard and let me go off on friendships.
but…..
like seeing a lone wolf, hitting hard through the snow, with a great pride and a dead animal snapped down by his teeth, I get admired. I get admired by old “friends”, by strangers, by girl friends, by family. I get admired for my courage to stand…
What I don’t get is the help I need. I don’t get sleep, I don’t get calmed, I don’t get happiness at the end of the day. I don’t get why I can’t be with a girl that I like, why everyone that I like is fucking taken by a shit head? (and I’m more fit than the shit head) I CAN’T FUCKING SLEEP. I can’t either cry.
I don’t get how I don’t have time.. oh well.. I get it.. I’m working at a job, studying engineering, helping my mom’s mental and at her work, I’m fixing the house, doing shoppings, doing calisthenics like a pro…
but I’m not living. I know what my blood worth. I know that I’m going to finish this rout to the end of the degree with my head up. But at what price?
At what fucking price?
In conclusion – I’m not surprise to see people say “OMG I didn’t know” when it’s too late.
you guys are my mental medications. your comments, your idea, the fact that some one read what I feel, and knows it. It helps. and I appreciate it.
Stay strong, be brave, yours Jac.
3 comments
I know what you feel.. I am lonely as hell.. I wish I could just have someone who appreciates me. Everyone seems to like me because I am kind to others and always try to help. I have always been a hard working woman and everyone admires that from me. .. but nobody really cares about me. Even my husband.. I feel like he is just with me because of how convenient I am. I help him in every way possible and try to make him happy but he is a taker. He takes whatever I have to offer and always asks for more. I don’t have any real close friends anymore and my family thinks I am happy. The truth is I struggle to find a reason to get up every day and no one notices..
1. thanks for sharing this[ I TOTALLY APPRECIATE THAT! and you 🙂 ] . please tell me what you do to deal with it. It must be hard. gj for going through the days.
2. It must be funny since I’m only 20, but I have got few tricks for you:
a. focus on yourself – start with small steps, etc buy something cheap for you, go for a walk, join a group of something (anything), go study, start a new hobby, increase your career. etc…[and talk with your husband. HONEST IS GOOD, and it doesn’t have to be easy, it might be hard, but honesty shows you actually love some one]
Please let me know what you think, and how you are coping with your problems.
It is a well important information and it can help others
I hear you. I see you. I understand and stand right there with you. I wish people world stop admiring and praising and just let me go!