Well, uh I don’t know where to begin really. Here goes nothing.
I’m 17 years old, male by the way. I’ve not gone through much but that small, meaningless actions I went through shifted me into who I am today and brought me up to wander along the idea of suicide.
Now let’s get to the very beginning, ever since the first grade I had this cousin of mine who was the same age of mine, and our families decided to set us up on the same class.
She, yup I know, well she’s been a pain in ass ever since the first grade, hell I think she’s one of the really major reasons I’m here now.
She bossed around, and made me feel worthless, powerless and ashamed.
I’ve never supported violence really, and she used to constantly use that on me, me being me never really responded back for some reason, probably because my family teached me that which left me where I am now.
I didn’t fed well, healthy and I barely looked after myself hell I wasn’t even taught I had to brush my teeth constantly, and more or less it led to me being a very weak, unhealthy person who looked years younger by both physical build and appearance.
I remember back before I even went to school, and then even after I joined school there was this relative who was 2 years younger than me, he’d come up and be violent upon me for no reason, I was going to hit the guy back but my mother literally forbidded me that and told me: No, he’s a guest you have to be nice to the guests.
Okay great, being the kid I was I agreed to it, I remember thinking the way kids think then.
Now we went as guests to this kid’s house, and again that guy decided to start being violent fucking again, I couldn’t withstand him but my mother being her:
“Don’t, you’re a guest here it’s a shame to do that be polite.”, while that guy’s mother didn’t even care I just wish my mom was something like that.
Back to my cousin she gave me a pretty hard time during my middle school years, she humiliated me in public more than I can ever remember which led to me being a really shy, withdrawn person who avoided contact at any cost.
It’s really funny how I can pin point the issues now and then.
As a background, my mother and my father used to fight a lot from time to time, my father and both my mother were violent to me as fuck meh, I remember being beaten up with an iron bar, and well let’s not get into details.
It’s fine for the physical pain for all I care, but the mental trauma that I went through stopped me from having a normal life at all.
Feeding properly, my family and my uncle whenever I visited him tried to force food upon me because I wasn’t healthy, and well know that forcing something is never, I repeat never good.
My little brother broke my nose with an hard item, actually he just disformed it so while I grew up it grew up wrongfully and totally broken.
I had an accident and my front tooth is gone now, I believe I already mentioned that on one of my old posts here.
Due to everything here, I’m really ugly(meh), short, very very weak, mentally sick hell lately I noticed I talk to myself a lot and I just giggled at that like some maniac hell I even creeped myself.
I lost confidence, hell I never had it and I’m at the constant panic of failing someone or something or maybe myself.
I’ve had a couple of crushes here and there, but this last one’s wrecking me hard just because we used to talk a lot, like A LOT and mostly at night from 1 am to 4-5 am, which is the period of the day I feel most comfortable at.
Then we stopped, I had a fight and it was me who gave an end to it.
Basically there’re a lot of stuff that I failed to mention, or I just can’t focus on right now. I’m currently at work, going to start working in approx. 14 minutes, and this is all I could form up so far.
I’ll probably update this soon, maybe once I get home.
Also P.S I’ve also started fucking up with school, I messed it up.
I hope someone reads this all, and thank you meh. It was so good opening up I suppose.
As far as it goes to suicide I keep postponing everything, I want to go check the supplies but I keep telling myself I’ll do it tomorrow.
Thanks for reading.