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Everything in one post (Almost everything)

by Fuckedupworld

Well, uh I don’t know where to begin really. Here goes nothing.

I’m 17 years old, male by the way. I’ve not gone through much but that small, meaningless actions I went through shifted me into who I am today and brought me up to wander along the idea of suicide.
Now let’s get to the very beginning, ever since the first grade I had this cousin of mine who was the same age of mine, and our families decided to set us up on the same class.
She, yup I know, well she’s been a pain in ass ever since the first grade, hell I think she’s one of the really major reasons I’m here now.
She bossed around, and made me feel worthless, powerless and ashamed.
I’ve never supported violence really, and she used to constantly use that on me, me being me never really responded back for some reason, probably because my family teached me that which left me where I am now.
I didn’t fed well, healthy and I barely looked after myself hell I wasn’t even taught I had to brush my teeth constantly, and more or less it led to me being a very weak, unhealthy person who looked years younger by both physical build and appearance.
I remember back before I even went to school, and then even after I joined school there was this relative who was 2 years younger than me, he’d come up and be violent upon me for no reason, I was going to hit the guy back but my mother literally forbidded me that and told me: No, he’s a guest you have to be nice to the guests.
Okay great, being the kid I was I agreed to it, I remember thinking the way kids think then.
Now we went as guests to this kid’s house, and again that guy decided to start being violent fucking again, I couldn’t withstand him but my mother being her:
“Don’t, you’re a guest here it’s a shame to do that be polite.”, while that guy’s mother didn’t even care I just wish my mom was something like that.
Back to my cousin she gave me a pretty hard time during my middle school years, she humiliated me in public more than I can ever remember which led to me being a really shy, withdrawn person who avoided contact at any cost.
It’s really funny how I can pin point the issues now and then.
As a background, my mother and my father used to fight a lot from time to time, my father and both my mother were violent to me as fuck meh, I remember being beaten up with an iron bar, and well let’s not get into details.
It’s fine for the physical pain for all I care, but the mental trauma that I went through stopped me from having a normal life at all.
Feeding properly, my family and my uncle whenever I visited him tried to force food upon me because I wasn’t healthy, and well know that forcing something is never, I repeat never good.
My little brother broke my nose with an hard item, actually he just disformed it so while I grew up it grew up wrongfully and totally broken.
I had an accident and my front tooth is gone now, I believe I already mentioned that on one of my old posts here.
Due to everything here, I’m really ugly(meh), short, very very weak, mentally sick hell lately I noticed I talk to myself a lot and I just giggled at that like some maniac hell I even creeped myself.

I lost confidence, hell I never had it and I’m at the constant panic of failing someone or something or maybe myself.

I’ve had a couple of crushes here and there, but this last one’s wrecking me hard just because we used to talk a lot, like A LOT and mostly at night from 1 am to 4-5 am, which is the period of the day I feel most comfortable at.

Then we stopped, I had a fight and it was me who gave an end to it.
Basically there’re a lot of stuff that I failed to mention, or I just can’t focus on right now. I’m currently at work, going to start working in approx. 14 minutes, and this is all I could form up so far.
I’ll probably update this soon, maybe once I get home.

Also P.S I’ve also started fucking up with school, I messed it up.

I hope someone reads this all, and thank you meh. It was so good opening up I suppose.

As far as it goes to suicide I keep postponing everything, I want to go check the supplies but I keep telling myself I’ll do it tomorrow.

Thanks for reading.

11 comments
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11 comments

Ocean 11/29/2017 - 10:58 am

I’m so sorry that happened to you my advice is just to get away from them, however you can ur still underage so you could be moved and seek help for the mental and physical problems and find something to be happy about. Get a pet? I hope letting it out did something for u

Fuckedupworld 11/29/2017 - 11:04 am

Thank you really, thing is they don’t treat me that bad at this age, anyhow they can’t even if they wanted to.
There’s no way I’m seeking mental or physical help, I hate the government and I still believe it’s one hell of a trash that’s all rigged up.
I wanted to get a pet before, but I can’t afford one because I want to help and support my family with the current financial issues.

Letting it out did really help me realize some points here and there, but I’m still really certain I’m getting on with what I’ve planned, hopefully. I might even livestream it for hyped people who want to see it live.

Eitherway thanks a lot for taking personal care into my situation, really appreciated.

Ocean 11/29/2017 - 11:24 am

You’re welcome. If your mind is made up, at least try to do something that commemorates you or your life or makes you feel slightly happy or good before you go. Find peace.

Why can’t u get help? Do u not want help or are scared of people finding out or something?

Fuckedupworld 11/29/2017 - 12:22 pm

I’m going to buy shitload of snacks ๐Ÿ˜›

I don’t want help to be honest, they’ll just get me more messed up.

eternaldarkness 11/29/2017 - 1:08 pm

“Iโ€™m going to buy shitload of snacks ๐Ÿ˜› ”

LOL

eternaldarkness 11/29/2017 - 1:08 pm

“Itโ€™s fine for the physical pain for all I care, but the mental trauma that I went through stopped me from having a normal life at all.”

-Too true

eternaldarkness 11/29/2017 - 1:09 pm

It’s funny how people are so nice and polite to strangers but to their own flesh and blood…

Fuckedupworld 11/30/2017 - 6:56 am

Because despite of how hard things might be we, never want to wish what he had on us upon someone else.

vanillachuchu 11/29/2017 - 11:10 pm

Are you, by any chance, named Cameron?

Fuckedupworld 11/30/2017 - 6:57 am

Nope, but I’d love to meet this Cameron I take it I described him by what I went through? that would be a miracle really.

texasmedic 12/6/2017 - 5:47 am

I enjoyed reading your story and admire your courage and openness to share it. Just my opinion but I am weary of the government as well but my therapist really helped me. Just someone to talk to who has the knowledge on what will help you mentally, no drugs or anything. Hope you continue to do well, you seem like a strong person.

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