I can not function in this world, this has been a long time in the making.
The only reason I am having trouble killing myself is because I have an amazing girlfriend. she deserves the absolute best in this world. She showed me what its like to be human. She loves me beyond my own comprehension. The selfish part of me loves how much she loves me, but the loving part of me hates it because it will break her heart when i’m gone.
The only thing that causes me more pain than myself, is the thought of her reaction to my death. Im afraid it would affect her negatively for the rest of her life.
However I know I am slipping away from reality further and further each day, part of me wants to end it on a good note, so she can remember me for who I was. The only reason she hasn’t been able to tell that i’ve fallen apart is because she is away for university and we only see each other in person every 2 weeks, so when I see her I am able to put on a mask. But than part of me also wants to ride it out for as long as possible until she no longer loves me because i’ve fallen apart so bad. But isnt that just as bad? I love her more than I have loved anyone or anything in my short life, she taught me what love is.
Is there a way to make her understand why i’m taking my own life, to make it easier for her? I don’t want to mess up her studies. And I don’t want to mess up her life, she is only 18. But I can not function any longer.
I want to leave a separate suicide note for her, to show her how special she is. But will this make it worse?
7 comments
Perhaps reading about the life and note of Virginia Woolf will give you insight. Her situation was a bit like yours. My wife is to me what your gf is to you. I feel you. My wife has been such a matter of devotion that I have submitted to therapy (no psychologist) and I am almost stable you could say. But I still keep my means handy..
I just read her suicide note, its very touching. I still have a strong feeling of guilt when it comes to this, because I entered into her life and gave her love, only to take it away from her. Wether or not I commit suicide it will cause her great stress and pain. Because I am a complete shell of my former self.
I kept my wife from knowing I was suicidal for about six years. She had no clue of it until I fucked up a suicide plan and she found out. It was her choice to stand with me and stand she has. It would have been damn sight easier for me if she had said fuck it.
I do not envy your position.
Make her understand? No…
I know this isn’t the place for this, but after reading what you wrote of her and your relationship with her, I’d suggest you reevaluate your position. If she doesn’t know what’s going on with you, then enlighten her and see where that takes you. Real love is too precious a thing to waste.
I am currently completely useless, I don’t want her to feel like she has to help me when she could be doing a lot of other things. Basically I don’t want to drag her down with me.
Please don’t leave her. Please tell her how you are feeling. Tell her everything. She will understand, if she truly loves you. She will become your light to lead you out of the dark you have been engulfed in. But please, don’t do this to her.
I’m also afraid that she will lose feelings for me once I tell her how messed up I am. I’m scared of making her feel like she has to stay, after all we’ve only been dating for 2 years. Chances of a high school relationship being worth all the trouble I am going to be is very unlikely. I do not believe I am the best thing for her.