I can not function in this world, this has been a long time in the making.
The only reason I am having trouble killing myself is because I have an amazing girlfriend. she deserves the absolute best in this world. She showed me what its like to be human. She loves me beyond my own comprehension. The selfish part of me loves how much she loves me, but the loving part of me hates it because it will break her heart when i’m gone.
The only thing that causes me more pain than myself, is the thought of her reaction to my death. Im afraid it would affect her negatively for the rest of her life.
However I know I am slipping away from reality further and further each day, part of me wants to end it on a good note, so she can remember me for who I was. The only reason she hasn’t been able to tell that i’ve fallen apart is because she is away for university and we only see each other in person every 2 weeks, so when I see her I am able to put on a mask. But than part of me also wants to ride it out for as long as possible until she no longer loves me because i’ve fallen apart so bad. But isnt that just as bad? I love her more than I have loved anyone or anything in my short life, she taught me what love is.
Is there a way to make her understand why i’m taking my own life, to make it easier for her? I don’t want to mess up her studies. And I don’t want to mess up her life, she is only 18. But I can not function any longer.
I want to leave a separate suicide note for her, to show her how special she is. But will this make it worse?