I just have this constant cycle of feeling fucked up from random things. And it’s probably related to earlier trauma I don’t even remember well. Which was just amplified because our house got SWATted last year.
So now anytime I feel trapped I have a panic attack, anytime I have a nightmare I still have a panic attack, and it’s just endless. I sometimes get a few days free of the intense anxiety but then it’s back.
If I’m lucky I’ll space out most of the day so the anxiety doesn’t hurt that bad. But I don’t get to do that much I don’t think. Though my memory is so shit I probably wouldn’t remember anyways.
But it’s like every time I start this overreaction to stupid little things I also want to just kill myself to stop the cycle. Many times I’ve just used self harm. The few times I have tried, it failed to the point that no one even found out.
When I’ve tried, it’s like I’ll start and then I think it’s like I’ll get really really sleepy and start putting stuff away but then there’s just no memory till later the next day when I remember “oh I tried to die yesterday and it didn’t work… fuck you”
The last time was the closest I’ve been to remembering and I think I went driving somewhere to get allergy medicine because it was making it impossible for me to cope mainly rather than just me fucking up. Which was scary or something because I kept almost falling asleep. I don’t really remember much of it. It’s just kinda weird.
But now when I have urges to just go ahead and try again, I remember when actually considering what I would do, that even when I’ve compensated for the sleepiness I seem to get every time, by trying to do everything faster, it doesn’t even matter because it’s within the same amount of stuff done that I must get the sleepiness stuff because of how stuff turns out.
Makes me wonder what would happen if I just tried shooting myself (though I know better than that because it would really traumatise anyone that found me, hanging too). I don’t even have fucking allergies I could overexpose myself to, I’m allergic to my cat but as with the previous I get sick enough that even if I do stuff to attempt as well as overexposure, I still fucking protect myself even though I want to fucking die.
So even wanting to die feels like I’m trapped here because it never works after many times. Which actually triggers anger instead of anxiety. But the anger just makes me want to try again because it fucks with me so much emotionally, probably because of the pain from not being able to “go away” forever. I’ve scared my parents with talk of wanting to die before, and it sucks because I know they love me and everything (they aren’t the ones who did maltreatment) yet I still want to die so often and I’ve not really improved much from when I was actually being maltreated despite all the therapy and love I’ve had here AND I’ve been with them for more than half my life now! It’s just really fucked up. I’m really fucked up. This is the fucking cycle that continues to cause issues regarding wanting to just try again. And it feels like it will never stop. Supposedly that’s a lie but I have yet to come across any reason that could make being suicidal go away so I’m not scaring people around me, because sometimes I’ll have commented something suicidal or I’ve used self harm again to get the wish to die to go away for a while….. I don’t think it even matters if I’m happy or not, I just have the sense of wanting to die in general……
2 comments
Yeah I get it. I just don’t understand people that actually care what other people think. If the people that call themselves my parents found me dead I wouldn’t give a fuck because in reality I don’t care about them at all. I think they’re a bunch of stupid motherfuckers. Only reason I talked to my parents of suicide before is because that was before I realized they were COMPLETELY FUCKING INSANE and she is the only one that has any money as I’ve needed a cheap gun since 15 but she is a greedy selfish bastard and would never let me borrow more than 10$ my entire life. She didn’t even support me as a child
If you are serious about suicide sneak away and kill yourself before it can get worse. It will get worse every year.