life is good. caring family, good friends.
my family keeps expanding with more cute niece and nephew, my sister gonna marry this year and a very good atmosphere when there were family gatherings.
good old friends still in contact although within the whatsapp group and made new friends at college.
yeah,life is good… but im tired……
i dont even remember when the first time i felt this way, maybe since kindergarten? the thoughts about when my life gonna end always come whenever my age rose. i did think of suicidal things but my thought got held back because i didnt want my good family to receive the backlash of my action, no family will be the same old family if that shit happens.
thats why i hid it. i tried to be as normal as the other kids. learn to befriend other kids, got average score all the way to college and try to be as normal as other people. love? no, i dont want to waste anyone their time on me who keeps counting ages…
maybe 30 years to go?
im tired
4 comments
i just need to let this out to hold myself together… tq
I’m also very tired I kept my feelings from my family for a long time but unfortunately ive turned into suck a wreck it couldn’t be kept i can’t say I’ve counted my age for that long I know i have for a while now tho I feel so old even tho I’m not really… I remember feeling… Thinking… that I would die by my own hand as a child about 8 maybe it was just some weird childish imagination but, things are pretty messed up for me currently mentally emotionally at least and I’m exhausted seems like all I do anymore is cry and hurt…. I want to be happy tho I really do and I wish u didn’t have to feel the way u do I wish no one had to hurt all the pain I read on here from people no one should have to feel like this….
I hide a lot from my family too. I have a history but I haven’t been in the hospital since 1993.
I have good relationships with my siblings and my husband and most of his family. We have no children. I have friends. We go out. I own two homes. One is our “get away”.
So I’m at my get away. It was a lovely day yesterday. Around 65 degrees F. I’m taking a walk in the woods. And I keep thinking “this would be a great place to drop myself “. Pow! Why do these thoughts keep coming? I don’t have a good reason to die right now. I’m a loner by nature. But I don’t understand why thoughts of killing myself follow me everywhere I go.
thank you both of you for reading my rant and sharing your story. i can only wish you both and all people here a good luck for the days to come. Really, you both are strong.