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I feel..

by RiloMor

I know it’s kind of dumb thinking this way. Like, it’s not my fault my dad was not the brightest bulb in the box and I know this. But I hate him for doing this to me.

Maybe it’s me over-thinking things but, from my knowledge and knowing serverl people with disorders physical and mental as well as having researched it extensively.. I just can’t help but think that my father, and his stupied genes gave me all these worries. Hell, my half sister and half brother are even worse than I am after he got married to a lady whose bulb seems to be on the verge of burning out. – And no, I do not live with this family I live with my Mother and Step-Father and my other Half-Sister of a Father who is not my Father or our Step-Father.

I have.

Mild Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. (OCD)

Mild to Severe Oppositional Defiant Disorder. (ODD / Anger toward authority figures) + (Anger issues)

Mild Attention Deficit Disorder. (ADD)

Cyclothymic Disorder (Lesser form of bipolar disorder)

Mild to Severe Clinical Depressive Disorder. (Clinical Depression)

Lesser to Mild Panic Disorder. (Panic attacks)

Mild to Severe Anxiety Disorder. (Anxiety)

Lesser to Mild Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. (School related – Eyewitnesses of multiple fights that led to hospitalization. / Hearing about fights that happened near me but, I did not directly witness it.)

Mild Paranoid Personality Disorder. (PPD / Severe Trust Issues)

Bulimia Nervosa. (Bing eating and starving ones self.) [Have recently started to get better but I still starve myself, mostly just out of habit.]

It isn’t me and I try to be me even with all this but I still shut people out during times I’m suddenly feeling like I don’t deserve food. I don’t deserve this skin, or this hair, or these clothes. I don’t deserve the things they got me and how much were they? How much effort did they put into it and I cant even let myself touch it?

I cut my arms and blame it on the cat, hiding blades and garbage under my bed because I can’t let go.

And the funny thing is, she got me a blade. A real life blade sharp enough to kill. One of those dagger looking ones as long as my arm. She got it for me for christmas. And its sitting on my shelf staring at me. But, at least my trust issues tell me not to trust it that I don’t deserve it that it needs to stay where it is or I’ll mess up the entire room. At least I’m afraid of death. Because otherwise my mother would have given me a blade. And I might have given back a body while taking away her son.

And I can’t bring myself to tell her.

Happy birthday to me, am I right?

(January, 8th, 2018.) And I feel wrong.

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5 comments

Once 1/9/2018 - 11:14 am

I like the bird reference. Aren’t humans the same? “Look, look, a DIFFERENT person! Let’s go stare, just don’t get caught, but look how different this rebel insists on being! What’s wrong with them? Don’t they know they’re supposed to be like us?”

I saw a t-shirt once that said ” You laugh at me because I’m different. I laugh at you because you’re all the same.”

Happy Birthday!

RiloMor 1/9/2018 - 11:59 am

Ha. Yeah, its from a song “The Village” – by Wrabel.
You gotta watch the music video it makes you cry.

Also I want that shirt? And thanks, hope you have a day. That was not a missprint. I did just say have a day. Because that’s all we need, yeah?

Once 1/9/2018 - 1:28 pm

Lol. Sometimes that’s all I can have – a day. Thanks, and back at ya.

muspelhem 1/10/2018 - 3:32 pm

I have to laugh at psychiatry coming up with all those labels to slap on you. I mean, sure they encounter many cases and do research, but can we just be honest here and agree that there is a hell of a lot we still don’t know about the brain and how it works? That the brain is so complex that we may never fully understand it? Yet here they are with their fancy acronyms and their disorders. Because that is so helpful: To be told all the things that are allegedly wrong with you.

I don’t think you sound dumb at all, if that was what you were alluding to with your talk about your dad not being the sharpest knife or whatever.

I also think it would be way more helpful for you to understand that genes aren’t destiny. Sure, they play a part, but it’s the interaction of genes and environment, nature and nurture, that matter.

Take any famous person celebrated for their genius, and if you ONLY looked at all their weaknesses and odd quirks, you could easily consign them to an asylum for life. People are different. People suck at certain things. Usually because they haven’t received proper training in those things. Or maybe suffer from some form of trauma.

But a relentless focus on your weaknesses, or rather, seeing them as unchangeable, will get you nowhere. Better to see yourself as someone who can learn and develop for the duration of your life. Google “carol dweck” or “growth mindset” for more on this. And if you do some things better than others, guess what? Economics say you should focus your efforts there, EVEN if someone else does them better. It’s called the law of comparative advantage:
wto.org/english/res_e/reser_e/cadv_e.htm

Good luck

RiloMor 1/11/2018 - 12:06 am

“We all see the same thing, our perception is the only thing that is different.”

Many think they know the brain that because someone may have done something stupied that they should be automatically labeled.
“Oh, She’s just crazy.”
But what some see as crazy could be artistic and creative, because they see something we can’t. I think that’s why people attack themselves with negativity, because others are so quick to judge.

My own friends did it. Called we weird, said I was in a ‘phase.’ So I went from out going and athletic to skin and bone, hiding in a room all day and constantly checking the mask I wore.

I find the labels of disorders to be helpful sometimes, not needing to explain every little detail of what’s wrong and instead showing them one word that said a million for me. Yet, I wish I could tell them myself without looking narcissistic and desperate for attention.

Honestly I’m just rambling with what’s on my mind but, yeah, I agree. We need to stop sucking out peoples self-esteem just to fuel our own. Because, it doesn’t last. It’s one of the many reasons I believe humans to be truly worthy and in need of going extinct, there’s just to many of us.

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