January 3rd, 2018 by empls

I’ve wanted to die for a while now. On and off. Every time I feel like I’m glad I haven’t done it yet because I might be enjoying some part of my life, it always comes crashing down and leaving me right back to wanting to die.

If I had my way, I would have done it maybe 10 years ago. My mum raised me to be quite religious and now, despite my doubts about the religion, I can’t risk dying just to go to hell on the off chance it’s true. It’s so engrained in me. In a way I suppose it has saved me a few times but what it’s really done is given me no way out at all. I cannot control anything. Not even my own death. Life is shit and what is my other option? Hell? Fuck that.

I keep thinking of ways to bypass the sin of suicide (starvation, smoking, carelessness around traffic or water etc) but because the words “God knows what’s in your heart” continue to ring through my head I don’t think that’ll cut it.

At least if I weren’t brainwashed and felt trapped I could end it all. That’s what it’s for. It’s meant to be a last resort escape. But I’m trapped and my one way out is no way out.

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