I want to hurt myself almost everyday. The main thing that keeps me from hurting myself is that I don’t want to end up in the mental hospital again. All of my mental hospital visits have been bad or outright traumatic thus far.
So many times, I get so upset at myself that I want to bang my head against the wall. I think “You’re stupid, worthless piece of s***!” and yell at myself and I cry because of how much I hate myself and can’t stand being alive. I have hurt myself by hitting my head before, usually when I was already in a mental facility. If I am already there, I might as well give in to the overwhelming urge, right? I’ve given myself concussions. But then I hate those injections they usually force on me after I hit my head or otherwise behave too erratically. Fear of the tranquilizers keeps me from hitting my head or cutting myself in the hospitsl, but not enough to stop the impulses completely.
I want to cut myself all the time. I try not to because of how hard it is to hide from other people, and even if you hide it you can’t hide the scars. I cut myself the most when I was in high school, but made some pretty deep cuts over a year ago. I am in my 30s now.
It’s an overwhelming urge, the impulse or the desire to hurt myself. It builds up inside of me and I feel like I will explode if I don’t hurt myself in some way. I sometimes get so bitter or resentful about other people preventing me from hurting myself that it makes me want to lash out at them, yell at them, hurt them… I want to scream “I don’t want to be here in the first place! I want to die! Leave me alone! Stop forcing me into the mental hospital! Stop trying to drug me! Let me die! Leave me alone! Stop forcing me to live so you don’t have to feel bad when I die! F**k you all!”
I have made several attempts to kill myself. I drank antifreeze once. I have been comforting myself lately by researching the Right to Die movement and reading about peaceful euthanasia in Europe. There is supposed to be a machine that someone made that puts you to peaceful sleep before you die. That is what I want and hope for. I want to just fall asleep and never wake up. No more pain, no more depression, no more guilt, no more shame, no more…