My best friend in the entire world, the first best friend ive ever had, died almost two years ago. I was in a very bad place at the time and could not handle going to his funeral, which i still regret to this day. Earlier today i was looking to see if i could figure out where he was buried so i could go visit him. I did, but i also found a video on youtube. It was posted by his sister, and was played at the funeral/celebration of life.
To this day i havent really grieved, tbh ive been numb. I tried to kill myself about a week after he died, and i almost succeeded. My heart stopped and my brain went without oxygen for a little while, im still convinced i have some minor brain damage from the event. But obviously i was revived. His father is still trying to get ahold of me. I havent felt able to approach that yet. Im running from it because i still blame myself, because i wasnt there, i was being a selfish asshole.
Anyways, im going to go out tomorrow and try to find his grave. And tonight im going to try and watch his celebration of life tonight. Wish me luck. Ive been running my whole life from my fucked up past and im tired of it. I need to move forward, and as cliche as it sounds, i feel like the only way to do that is by making peace with my pass.
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You blame yourself because you weren’t there.. Where? At the funeral? I think everyone will understand that.
Am I wrong?
Yes, there’s much more to it than I put in originally. He died of an overdose from fentanyl tainted drugs. He wouldn’t have been doing any drugs in the first place if he hadn’t of met me. And I was in rehab when he died, so i blame myself for not being there because I always feel like if I had been there he would have made it.
Well that was dumb, now I feel guilty as Fuck. I had a good cry though.