I have no idea how to start or where to start. This letter suppose to give you answer/s why I did that. I hope it would. As you are reading this, I hope you can feel my presence by your side. And as you proceed, I can tell that you’re already holding my hand, I hope you won’t let go because I will lead you to this journey of mine. From how it all started and how it ended. It is not easy, it is not easy to end it. While writing this, I am stuck between wanting to live and wanting to die. How can I live if I have no courage to live? how can I live if everything around me is falling apart? I’m like a bridge that falls down through troubled waters, I’m sinking and drowning yet no one dares to fix me or maybe no one could actually fix me because I know everyone in this world also need their own fixing. I’ve seen enough. I’ve seen cruelty, violence, pain, darkness and fear everywhere, not just outside but also inside the thing I used to call ‘home’. I’ve seen those and I think I possessed them. I fear of living when I know I could possibly manifest them and become a monster in the future. I don’t want to harm anyone specially those who’ve been part of my life. I don’t want to be a big burden in this broken world. I’m pretty sure I couldn’t be a successful person like what my mother thinks. I know, she believes in me. I’m sorry. I am an average, I can’t prove myself that I can be better for I stick on mediocrity. I am afraid of heights, I am afraid of being on top, I’m afraid of expectations. I just want to be me, I just want to be accepted not because of my medals or achievements but because I fail but keeps on dreaming. But no one did that. Maybe there are some but I can feel that they’re not there for me. This world is a big competition for them. For people I thought who were there for me.
Maybe if people did become strong for me, then I could be strong for myself.
Maybe if people didn’t give up on me, then I probably would not give up for myself.
If people did forgive me, maybe I could forgive myself.
If people fought for me to stay, then I could probably fought for myself and stayed.
If people taught me not only to be strong and told me that it is okay to fall sometimes, then I probably didn’t tried so hard to be strong and faked myself of being strong.
If people didn’t judged me on the way I am, then I probably didn’t judge myself.
If people didn’t pity me for the way I look, then I shouldn’t have to pity myself.
If people tried to listen to me, then I could’ve listen for myself too.
If people didn’t told me to die, then I shouldn’t have to think of this.
If people respected me, then I could possibly respect myself.
If people talked to me about sadness, then I probably didn’t hide it away.
If people cared before it’s too late, maybe I could’ve saved myself.
If people didn’t think of me as a challenge and a foe, then I wouldn’t have to think that my greatest enemy is myself.
If people showed me what love truly is and taught me to be loved and how to love, then maybe I could’ve love myself. For I can’t see what love is. I don’t know how to love. I tried to love myself, to fix myself but I can’t see anything around me.
Maybe darkness has blinded me.
It is me who should be blamed for being like this. It is my fault that I’m a weakling, it is my fault that I didn’t look for my own way. It is my fault that I was carried away by this broken society. It is my fault that I let darkness win. It’s like I’ve been stuck in this long dark tunnel and I couldn’t find an exit. I am lost and all I can see is pure darkness with a smell of blood, fear, and death. All I can hear is what my mind telling me and I’m terrified. I am afraid of taking one step, I don’t wanna move, I don’t want to face them. And I’m tired. Tired of standing alone, tired of searching for someone who could help me. But how could someone help me if I can’t help myself? the thing is, I can’t. Fear is drowning me, it devours me and it may turn me into a monster that I couldn’t imagine. You may think that I’m too selfish not to think of what may happen to others specially to my mother. Yes, I’m selfish. And this is why I deserve this. I deserve to die. Because I’m not strong like what you’ve think. I also feel like I’m a burden. And if I’m gone, the financial problems would be lesser. There will be no problem for my education, food or any needs anymore. I’ve hurt a lot of people, I’m too selfish. But I never regret this, the thing I regret is that I was born. I regret that I exist. And I finally killed the monster that is growing inside of me before it devours my whole system. I hope that I finally answered your question. But I guess, even if I wrote this, I can’t still explain the whole thing to understand me. Because no one would understand you clearly except yourself. Unfortunately, I don’t even understand myself, I can’t seek for an answer. But the whole story will remain as a mystery for most, and I better hide this for myself.