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After 5 years .. I am back again at suicide project !

by jano.19

The Last time I posted was FIVE years ago ..

I never though I’d ever come back .!

Yet here I am

I guess we never really change !

no matter how hard we try to change ourselves deep down we will always be the same .

I fought hard .. and I’m still fighting .. I’m not really willing to surrender not before not now not ever

yet still my inner self , my flaws , my weaknesses.. are catching up with me ..

spend the last five years in what I developed to br a stable life .. it is actually to most people it’s what they want .

I got a job , in which I am very good at .. I got over my abuseive boyfriend and got healed of all his shit ..

prople syill judge me for who I was , though some very few are supportive ..

I built back a good relationship with my parents, my family in general and it seems working out .. they have been such a big supporter ..

I replaced my big fat squad with two loving friends ..

I took care of my look a little bit ..

I changed the way I dressed

but still failed to get my inner shit together

I got used to be abused may seem !

I had a relation with a nice guy .. I FUCKED IT ALL UP because he was soo natural and real and regular

he  wasn’t messed up or lost or abusive or abused

he was a normal guy , which I couldn’t pare to be around

I tried soo hard to drag him into my DRAMA

But he took the long way short and gave up on this little messed up girl ..

Now I am 25 years old .. still wondering when will I be normal,  will I EVER be normal !?

My villains keeps on dragging me into a drama I don’t have , creating scenes in which I am drawning ..

got the house , the family, the job , the money , but still unable to get me !

I don’t really control or understand myself

maybe it’s not soo bad to lose control Just once

but it’s the worse no never have control ever ..

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3 comments

Escalado 7/24/2018 - 1:20 pm

I was raised by none empaths and like you, suffered alot from a dysfunctional & toxic enviroment. It took me a looong time to mend from the abuse.

jano, don’t expect to be fully thawed at 25. You’re doing well…under the circumstances.

jano.19 7/24/2018 - 11:26 pm

No body ever told me that I’m doing will ! Thank you

unsocialfreak 11/7/2018 - 6:28 am

This is so strange, I came back onto this page exactly five years later and although so so much has changed, deep down you can feel that it’s almost exactly the same. I was just having this thought until I stumbled upon your page and I can’t wrap my head around this. Why is it that when we try our hardest, it’s just not enough… I mean obviously it’s great that so many years later you’re still here which definitely says a lot about how mentally strong you truly are which quite frankly gives me hope now that I think of it. Somehow those rough days of thinking the next few would be your last feel so distant after a while.

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