Everyone says reach out for help when you feel suicidal. A couple celebrities die and suddenly everyone cares so so much. What happens if you reach out and nothing happens? I’ve reached out. At 16 I told my doctor. “Hey, I don’t feel so great. My head feels heavy and I’m scared of everything and I thought it was just a phase, but I’ve felt sick for a long time now and I’m starting to feel like it’s not just my age anymore.” She told me I’d probably feel a lot better if I lost weight. If I attend her expensive nutrition classes and exercise I won’t want to die anymore. She has a point, I think as I cut my thigh open and dream of a flat stomach. I reached out to my mom. She saw the cuts on my wrist and asked me about them. “I feel like I need to hurt myself sometimes and I don’t know why.” She slapped me. I stopped reaching out for a long time. When I was 22 I reached out to another doctor. She asked me if I had anyone I could turn to when I was feeling suicidal. “I don’t really feel comfortable telling other people, but I think of my cats and they make feel a little better.” She laughed, confirming how pathetic I felt. I think I don’t want to reach out anymore. People talk about having other people that help tether them to sanity and happiness. What happens when there is no one to reach out to? When there is no tether?