December 2016 I laid on train tracks near my apartment begging for a train to come by and just make the pain go away. Almost an hour went by and no train. Fuck that train.
I was hospitalized for a week and then sent to outpatient care for a month to regain some strength. I met some of the best people I have ever seen in my life.
Mover a year went by and I decided I needed a support system. So I reached out to a boy. I fell in love with the boy and I am convinced he was in love with me too.
Weeks went by, then months. I had never been happier. Until the day he told me his past. He cheated with a married woman. He slept with someone else in his last relationship. He has a history of drug abuse.
Call me stupid maybe but I’m still with this boy. Most of the time he makes me smile, he makes me laugh, he makes me forget about the train tracks. But other times he makes me feel insecure, abandoned, and insignificant.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me and I don’t know what exactly I want someone to help me with. I just know I found myself on this website with my chest bleeding from a cut, stomach growling from not eating for 24 hours, and my lips chapped from refusing water.
I’m lost. And I don’t know if I’ll ever find my way.
3 comments
We are here for you and hear you. What can I do to help? I can listen.
So why were you hospitalized did you tell someone you sat on the train tracks?
You can’t help who you fall in love with, but you do have control over when the right time to be with him is. You stated that when you were in the outpatient care, you met some of the best people of your life. I think that’s the first step in finding your way back. Those people helped you in a positive way, and although you might not need to be there for the same reasons, you can still reach out to them. They can still shed that light on your life. If this boy truly cares, he’ll hold your hand throughout your healing process. He’ll support you while you find yourself. But he has to be willing to let you lead the way. This world can be a messy place, but you can control what comes next for you. Allow yourself the time you need so you can find yourself again.