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I told my only family member it was time for me to stop. The only person in the world who knew me. He said at least try acid once.

I dosed and became one with the Universe and all that shit. I felt something fall off my shoulders afterwards. I got an understanding of why I survived the first eleven years of my life along with him surviving the first twenty.
-We weren’t meant to survive right?

I got a hippy ass perspective on why there’s scars on my genitals that I can’t explain to a doctor.

It lasted about a month until I was drugged and raped in a sad and rather fishy situation with a boy I was dating and his “best friend”.

I had a beautiful goddamn pharmacy, shame it was time after i stumbled home the next morning to use it for ending my life rather than healing.

I filled a large chevron drink about halfway or so with it all.

-The Universe was telling me it was time right?

Why else would i get raped again in my adult life? No justice again. I just wanted to go home. Then you broke the door down because the cats, my little girls, were crying and yowling. I wake up screaming in the middle of the rape kit. Then they checked me in the looney ward for a week. I had to participate in groups and put on a face that I understood that ending my life was not an option so i could leave and get high at least i was good at that.

You fucking told me you couldn’t do this life without me. Then barely three months after my failure you get to go home, during a celebration you got to leave me here, happy.

Without the weight of the possibilities of right and wrong. You got “taken”. Now i have to be here with this alone. Completely, actually, “literally” alone.

-Its gotta be a cosmic sign right? Cant think cant work cant fake it just hoping the universe shows me what way will actually work/succeed. Just want to go to sleep and go home.

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PatheticMale 7/21/2018 - 9:18 am

Damn what a tragedy. I can´t understand how disgusting a man must be to rape another person. As Jordan Peterson says it´s the weakness and fear that motivate such actions as these. Rapists are pathetic weak people with failed lives that live in constant fear. Sadly I notice these trades in myself. I can never express romanticaly to girls coz im scared of them to death. I belive I would never harm another person. But how do I know I wont go crazy from this lonely life as time goes, when I will be like 40 or so? I have a secret plan to kill myself till then, hehe 🙂 I would much rather take my own life than harm another person.

raperapelemonade 7/22/2018 - 6:31 am

I used to have to hold to that because I feared hurting another that It would be better if I ended my self. You may be younger or older than me but I learned personally just my experience that, fear of the self needs to be killed before you can embrace the acceptance of your own death by your hand or else the bastards are the ones who are going to win and take your life. Too much fear and you don’t have a true choice to make. Which unfortunately just feeds into the dark thought cycle. I find bi monthly cocaine binges help and yeah… I’m still figuring it out man I got nothing but grains of salt probably..

a1957 7/24/2018 - 10:44 pm

I was moved by what you wrote. Deeply moved. Even though I totally deserved to die for mercy sake to leave my pain I kept working on healing the wounds no one sees. You story helped me see how much I was hurt because I saw how much you were hurt. I guess it is a human trait to try to heal. Sorry for your scars, seen and unseen. I hope for your healing.

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