Insecurity

Hi, whoever is reading this,

Someone commented on my last post and it made me feel less alone. A lot better. I guess it’s the fact that I’m not the only one feeling the way I do.

So, I’m writing again, to hopefully feel better in this little situation of mine.

This one is a little bit more personal, but it’s an anonymous site so whatever.

Here’s a little bit of a background story:

My aunt (let’s call her Katherine) couldn’t have children. A few months later, she and her husband made the decision of adopting. Right around the same time, her brother’s wife (let’s call her Ann) was pregnant with me! yay! hahaha…

My biological parents didn’t have enough money to raise me at that time, because they already had my older brother and sister to take care of. So Katherine, who I now consider as my mom and I love her so much, proposed to adopt me.

So, fast forward, I grew up in another country with my new parents (who were supposed to be my aunt and uncle) at the age of 2 years old. One of the conditions of adopting me was to let me know that I was actually adopted. And for that I am happy. No secrets whatsoever.

Every year, I would go to where I am originally from for a few weeks. I still got to know my siblings, my biological parents, and the whole entire family. Every time I go there it’s like I never left, but I would stay at my grandmother’s house.

Now that you know all of this, here’s where it hits in my insecurities.

Last year, I went back like always for a few weeks. Normally, every time I arrived at my grandmother’s house, my whole family would be there to welcome me. Well, this time, someone was missing, and it was Ann (my biological mom). I didn’t pay much attention to her not being there, I just thought that she was busy and couldn’t come for the welcome gathering kind of thing. A few days passed and she still didn’t come to say hello, but she knew I was here. She would just drop my sister off at my grandmother’s house and go. Again, I didn’t pay much of it.

I decided to say to my sister I would go over to their house for a change. I come over, Ann opens the door and I hug her saying I missed her a lot. She briefly hugs me back and says the same thing. I go to my sister’s room which is next to the living room (it’s a one-story house btw), and hang out with her. Ann apparently had a friend over, and since the walls were kind of thin, I could easily hear their conversation just by putting my ear against the bedroom door. My sister went to the bathroom, and I was left alone, I heard my name being said. So I curiously put my ear against the door and listened.

“I don’t want to see her […] I don’t want to get to know her anymore.”

It hit me like a truck. Can you imagine your mom say that? She doesn’t want to see you and get to know you.

This year I went back, she wasn’t there to welcome me and she wasn’t there to say good-bye. We talked once and that was it, even there it looked like she would rather be talking to someone else.

So then it made me wonder. Do I really mean nothing to her anymore? Am I not interesting to get to know? Am I really not worth it? I don’t know what I did wrong.

Now every single time I hang out with someone who’s special to me, like my friends or my crush, I keep on questioning myself at the end of the day. Was I okay? I wasn’t too boring, was I? Did I say something interesting? Will they still hang out with me?

And then I would criticize myself. You should’ve talked more. You’re so boring. Why are you even trying to make a joke? You can’t even speak the language properly. You make so many mistakes. You’re not interesting at all. Don’t worry, your crush will lose interest in you. Just stop, you’re pathetic.

It would go on and on, and I don’t know how to make it stop. I am a mess when it comes to this. Every time I remember what Ann said, it just hits me.

It’s crazy how one small little event, could trigger something big like this. It might not be much for you, but it is for me.

Now I have a single question, the same one I’ll ask in every post that I’ll write, am I alone in this?

Until next time…

bye