My first attempt was when I was nine, then again at thirteen, then twenty-two and the last when I was fourty-three.
It is not important I provide details about the first two, other than they certainly were very serious attempts, and had someone not miraculously stumbled upon me, I would not be writing this. Despite the graveness of those attempts, no one ever asked me questions about it after.
At twenty-two, it ended up more comedy than anything. The attempt was more alcohol fueled than anything, leaving a huge mess in my place when I woke up.
Fourty-three……. I tried my best, however people again managed to locate me. This time, I spent several weeks infirmed.
I have always tried my best at everything I do, and I despise failing at anything. My entire youth was spent listening to my father screaming nothing was good enough. Instead of talking to me or asking me anything, he would constantly ask whoever was with me, or my dog, just couldn’t seem to say anything to me unless it was to scream and give me shit. I have no memories of him ever actually looking at me as a human being.
I have accomplished some things in my life. I thought I was in love for a while, and I believed she was in love with me – unfortunately, she had a boyfriend before we met, had him in the wedding party and fucked him a week after the wedding. I wanted to make things work and move forward, huge mistake! Years later, we had problems……. neither of us were innocent, however in my twisted sense of loyalty, I took the hit for everything and signed away everything I had ever worked for with every intent of never seeing my child again (that’s okay, my ex did everything she could to alienate me and my entire side of the family and every single person I knew, she succeeded with the help of my old school annual and Facebook).
I am now fifty-three. I have no family. No clue where anyone lives or even if they are alive. I know two people at work to talk to them, others I know their name and they might remember me. I lived in my pickup for over a year and survived a Northern Alberta winter that way. I have a room for now, and that is not even a day to day guarantee. My body aches every morning to even move, my hands can’t even hold a key in the ignition or wipe myself unless I hold them under hot water for a few minutes. I have had tinnitus ever since I can remember, most days now I can barely hear anything over the screech, my headaches have been so bad I am unable to keep food down, then when they subside for a day, I gorge myself until I get sick anyway. I do not remember when I slept more than three hours at a time, I lay down and nothing shuts off – no voices, just me going over every single last thing in my life!
I am so weary. My soul is weeping.
It’s all fine now. I am okay with it. I do not speak for anyone else other than my own view.
This time, I have a fool-proof plan. I just need to be patient for a few more weeks. No one knows me. No one will notice.
I just wanted to say that perhaps this time my best will be good enough.