I couldn’t sleep again.
I couldn’t change anything, I can’t be changed, I want to but I don’t, I won’t, I keep changing but at the same time nothing has.
I can’t. Can’t what?
There are so many thoughts but nothing at all coming to mind, it becomes so hazy and bogged down.
I can’t do this. I’ve lost my way in life again, I say that but to begin with I never had a direction at all. My head hurts.
Why does my body have to ache like this, my head is dizzy and burning hot but my body is cold to the touch and sweaty. Maybe I have a fever, I guess I’m sick.
How did this happen. A life full of I can’ts yet I do anyway. Contradictions circling in my head day in and day out, the ache behind my eye lids and the sore feeling behind my nose, mouth and throat keep distracting me.
It’s all so fuzzy. I have to go to work. I haven’t in the last few days. Not even called or emailed.
A career that sucks, looking for a new job, dealing with the old. Is it clarity of mind to say sorry for not showing up or cowardice for not pulling through with quitting. Maybe a little of both.
The stress dreams have been piling up, not just about the same old things anymore but about work too, life that keeps passing by. My apartment is so cold, I guess it’s getting to be that time now. Summer came and went in the blink of an eye, I don’t even know what happened in the spring.
My cough is getting worse, i still can’t sleep.
A life full of worries yet everyone thinks I’m doing great. That I have my life together. It’s disgusting but also my fault. I’ve never shown anyone the sorry state im constantly in, have I ever been honest for once in my life? Now that I think about it. If they saw me like this would they say its not like me. Who do they think they are, to think they know me. No one does. If I could afford to live on my own I would.
Isn’t that the dream.
It’s not in character for me. Maybe it’s the sniffling and body aches. Wishing for someone to be there. God how embarrassing. I’ll think otherwise when I get better. I push so many people away and keep them at a distance anyway. I don’t think can be allowed to have, Those kinds of feelings, thoughts like that after all i’ve done is cut people out and treat my relationships as expendables.
Have you ever been in love?
I grieve my relationship far longer than it lasted. Even before it and now after. I think it was the first time I ever knew what real love was, however brief it was.
“The melody that used to make us so happy, It’s still so glorious” such a silly thing that’s brought me to tears so many times, All I can do is carry everything with me in songs and repeat day in and day out. How many years has it been since the end? Because I’m still in love with you, it’s so hard to hate you.
It’s hard to love people or myself. It’s hard to let go. Maybe the lack of closure is what is killing me. You said you would be right back, that you would be gone for a long time. Maybe that’s what stopped me, like a curse. That place in that time, I haven’t been able to move on since then, my heart has died. If I filled my lungs with coal and black smoke would I be able to go back to that time? My heart and feelings are so cold and dull, would I be able to burn red and warm again. I don’t think I’ll ever feel that way about someone ever again because I keep waiting to say welcome back to you.
I’ve tried to love other people again but It’s no use. I still haven’t recovered yet. It’s so painful and pathetic to keep loving someone that, maybe out of desperation or the smallest part of my heart, I keep searching for you in people. I threw this body away but wouldn’t it be nice to just once have someone. To think of someone as special again?
It’s so terrifying. The possibility of having those feelings again is too much for me to handle. I’ve already disappointed you too much, I’m sorry. But just once wouldn’t it be nice for someone to place their hand on my forehead and tell me to rest?
I’m so sweaty now and I’m getting chills and shakes. This fever has lasted for a few days now and my spinning head hasn’t slowed down. I’m alone though, as usual.
I used to think people were fools to die for something as stupid as love but I get it now. I hate that I get it now. I’ll keep this with me forever, stubbornly never letting these feelings die because you’re already in me.
My headache has gotten worse, It’s hard to concentrate.
Just another year of wanting to die. I don’t know a time where I didn’t think about it.
It probably started somewhere around the number 4 or maybe 5?
Time passes and time passes.
And time passes.
But I’m still here.
I still can’t sleep.