My life this year has just been a nonstop full speed acceleration and i can’t stop needing more and more to forget.
The foolish recklessness and how dangerously close I’ve gotten into situations keeps increasing, i hope it kills me.
I want it to kill me.
I’ve drank up all my money weekend after weekend to the point of blacking out and constantly need to keep being at bars, parties, peoples beds or on a high anything i just need anything. I hate the people I know, I hate the dumb shit they say I hate how I don’t have friends but only acquaintances who want to waste my time I don’t even want to know these people get out of my life forever how fucking dare they think they even know anything about me
I keep needing to meet people, talk to people and hold up pretense that i care so i have no time to think
over working two jobs, mid week benders, reckless driving, being out all night every night, sometimes i dont even make it home or hook ups and the people I don’t give a shit about
ive gotten back into alcohol and drugs to make it through the week. I’m so busy its tearing me apart but thats how i want it to be, i want to keep going even faster till i slip up for the last time
ive started tying up loose ends before i take the plunge and pull another stupid move, not that any of them give a shit anyway. I’m glad they can at least come to hate me it makes things easier for them and me
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I used to do drugs, I smoked marijuana and drank occasionally. I had a very peaceful life. Then I started having nightmares. Then the cops started following me. Now the cops get whatever they want from me and I have nothing that could even resemble a life. I used to feel real good, but the cops got me 2 years back and nothing’s the same. I keep holding on thinking I can feel good again somehow.. but at this point I let them drag me way to far down to a place I can never get out of. I expected to commit suicide much sooner, but I never expected to feel THIS terrible.
Everything was fine before, now it’s like I never left the jail cell and I can never leave because they won’t allow it.