I am torn between getting help and killing myself.
I don’t hate myself nor do I think that I don’t deserve to live. And I love my friends, with whom I shared many beautiful moments. When I think about leaving them behind I feel infinitely sorry, because I know they wont be better off without me. They will be hurt and left with so many questions that I cannot answer in one last letter.
But my problem is that I cannot help but wonder why I should stay alive in this world for another 60 years. Having to work for 40 years for someone else’s profit, having to watch how more and more of nature is being destroyed, being unable to do something about millions of people being starved out of nationalist interest. Factory farming, bile bears, poaching, foie gras, slavery, you name it… The list could probably be extended infinitely.
I’m disgusted and people keep telling me I have to accept the world like it is, but I don’t want to. I know nothing changes if I’m not around anymore, yet at least I don’t have to suffer through it.
Every time I imagine my future all of these thoughts keep coming back and I’m left with this bland taste, losing interest in everything. What does it matter? Why should I study, why should I work? Just to keep living in a world I don’t really want to be part of?
Seems like bad fucking deal.
2 comments
I feel you.
Hey anon, at least you have people that care for you. On the other hand, if I go away, I doubt there will be people attending my funeral.