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For suicide

it seems like we want,


for how long shall I live?

Until I die or until I cry?

Cry for what?

A better life?

To have a wife?

A girlfriend?

These questions linger in my mind,

Am I really a good person,

or am I just another hypocrite,

Or am I just a bad person,

for if I may how long will I live,

live for the sake of myself,

or for the sake of others,

and be a slave to a system that sold us all out,

for how shall the pain go away,

in the mind and body,

for a fragile peace,

that was built by war,

and destroyed countless lives,

while imprisoning others,

this world of ours,

it originally wasn’t our own,

as we create,

we destroy,

just let me die,

for you won’t even do that,


Was this really a poem?

Or was this the sigh,

of a man who wants to die,

27 years old,

Someone who couldn’t even kill himself and you probably already know why.


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flutterby 12/27/2018 - 1:39 am

I took a life time to figure out why my life seemed a mess.
I spent my time going over and over what had put me in distress.
It wasn’t until one day I had realized what I had just been thru.
Had I only enjoyed each day I had my days wouldn’t have seemed so blue.

SuicidalThoughtsButRefuseToKillMyself 12/27/2018 - 10:53 am

I do enjoy life for it is all we know, yet at the same time I tend to seek death for myself and sometimes for others but I try to be rid of my ego and pride but at the time there are those who don’t seem to be as great as I once thought how gullible and naive I was and now I know the real nature of our species and it makes me wonder for why do I exist with these people I never asked to be born nor have I asked to be a by product of rape if that is true how does God(s) or humanity justify such things for I do not know as humble as I can be at times.

You do speak of truth in your words and I appreciate that for I don’t know who you are we will probably never meet even if we did I don’t know if I would be real or fake in your presence for I don’t see past the horizon as much as I used to the mental pain or how shall I live in this world I don’t like being sensitive it makes me weak just kill people peacefully and painlessly out of mercy I am not a soldier or anything of value just a human and only human for I wish I was more.

flutterby 12/27/2018 - 11:29 am

We humans have so much potential but yes we are human. I am very sensitive too. Like really sensitive! I have had to break down a lot of mental barriers purely through understanding. Understanding myself as well as what was blocking me. I had to come to realize that we never truly have anyone but ourselves and how to deal with that. But we don’t have to be alone physically.

I sit here alone. Wanting to shower but I can’t right now. I used to just sit and wish for this or that and let those feelings follow me all day but now as quickly as they come I let most of them go. Why wish for bricks and be saddened that you have none when you still have sticks and plenty to build something? I found that sticks are pretty fun too. I didn’t con myself into believing it. I simply gave up on holding onto a wish that only made me depressed and chose to work with what I had and see.

I laugh. I meditate. I move around. I get out of the house and away from my thoughts.

It’s a lot like gravity. Gravity is a constant and we need only try over and over again to be able to fly. (Well not anymore since the Wright brothers).

I live in California but I travel a lot. Maybe we can meet up.

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