She…

  December 28th, 2018 by strawberrycrown

She is supposed to be my cousin – family. She is supposed to be my best friend, my soulmate, the person that makes me smile and the person I can never stay mad at. But I’ve lost her. I would say I lost her yesterday but really I have been slowly losing her for a long time. Every argument starts with me calling her out on something, her getting mad and saying I always cause problems, then I apologise very well, she says it is not enough anymore because it always happens and is always “my fault”. I always am the one t say sorry and the one to try and fix things. She eventually comes back so I push the things she does to me aside. Is it sad that one day I was so so happy and excited because she was actually nice to me for a day? She lives a few hours away but I still would make the effort every spare chance I got to go and see her. Every single night we used to say “goodnight I love you” but now the only time we talk is when I’m trying be nice and all she says is “IDC, cool, K”. I get so fucking sad whenever it comes up on my memories a photo of her because I was so happy with her as my best friend. Then she moved on. She began to stop talking to me, stop asking to see me. Ofcourse I still went to see her but she would make up a heap of excuses after I travel just to see her. Eventually I gave up trying because there’s no point of trying for someone who doesn’t want anything to do with you. So the last week, I did something really stupid and she found out about it. She saw multiple photos and videos of me smoking. I tried to lie about it saying it wasn’t me but she couldn’t care less what I had to say. I said I wouldn’t do it again but the next couple days she saw it again. She was saying nasty, horrible things to me which I won’t even repeat, and it was all on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day, and now she is hating on me a few days before new year and my birthday. I was so excited to give her a careful thought about Christmas present with a heartfelt card but she would honestly tear it apart and that is how much she hates me right now. She even got her mum (my aunty), who lovED me too, to say nasty things too, and to block me, and then even after that would text me to say stop “stop harassing ___ with your lies, you’ve hurt her enough”, like SHE is the one who has hurt me more than I have ever been hurt before. She literally made me soooooooo tempted to kill myself. She makes me miserable. She is literally like PTSD like every time I see something that reminds me of her or how we used to be a huge wave of sad passes over me and believe me I am not one to cry in front of anyone. OH! And I forgot to mention what was the worst day of my life (emotionally, excluding loss of people), but now is just one of the worst days of my life which are all caused by her. So a couple months ago we were constantly arguing and then one day I was at my dads house and about to go to work and I was trying to sort things out with her when she says that its enough and that we shouldn’t be and aren’t friends anymore. She said this among many other really hurtful things to me and I couldn’t bare it. All I wanted to do was be in my bed and ball my eyes out for hours on end. But no, I held the tears back so hard that my neck was physically hurting because of the lump I had in my throat, I couldn’t talk. I have never m=been hurt by her more in my life than that day, until this week. I am done with her. She means nothing to me anymore and I still love her and all I want is her to come back but I have accepted that isn’t happening and I’m just done with her. She is supposed to be my best friend but thats not the case any more. She is supposed to be my family but she certainly isn’t acting like I am anymore. She hurts the fuck out of me.

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