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She…

by strawberrycrown

She is supposed to be my cousin – family. She is supposed to be my best friend, my soulmate, the person that makes me smile and the person I can never stay mad at. But I’ve lost her. I would say I lost her yesterday but really I have been slowly losing her for a long time. Every argument starts with me calling her out on something, her getting mad and saying I always cause problems, then I apologise very well, she says it is not enough anymore because it always happens and is always “my fault”. I always am the one t say sorry and the one to try and fix things. She eventually comes back so I push the things she does to me aside. Is it sad that one day I was so so happy and excited because she was actually nice to me for a day? She lives a few hours away but I still would make the effort every spare chance I got to go and see her. Every single night we used to say “goodnight I love you” but now the only time we talk is when I’m trying be nice and all she says is “IDC, cool, K”. I get so fucking sad whenever it comes up on my memories a photo of her because I was so happy with her as my best friend. Then she moved on. She began to stop talking to me, stop asking to see me. Ofcourse I still went to see her but she would make up a heap of excuses after I travel just to see her. Eventually I gave up trying because there’s no point of trying for someone who doesn’t want anything to do with you. So the last week, I did something really stupid and she found out about it. She saw multiple photos and videos of me smoking. I tried to lie about it saying it wasn’t me but she couldn’t care less what I had to say. I said I wouldn’t do it again but the next couple days she saw it again. She was saying nasty, horrible things to me which I won’t even repeat, and it was all on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day, and now she is hating on me a few days before new year and my birthday. I was so excited to give her a careful thought about Christmas present with a heartfelt card but she would honestly tear it apart and that is how much she hates me right now. She even got her mum (my aunty), who lovED me too, to say nasty things too, and to block me, and then even after that would text me to say stop “stop harassing ___ with your lies, you’ve hurt her enough”, like SHE is the one who has hurt me more than I have ever been hurt before. She literally made me soooooooo tempted to kill myself. She makes me miserable. She is literally like PTSD like every time I see something that reminds me of her or how we used to be a huge wave of sad passes over me and believe me I am not one to cry in front of anyone. OH! And I forgot to mention what was the worst day of my life (emotionally, excluding loss of people), but now is just one of the worst days of my life which are all caused by her. So a couple months ago we were constantly arguing and then one day I was at my dads house and about to go to work and I was trying to sort things out with her when she says that its enough and that we shouldn’t be and aren’t friends anymore. She said this among many other really hurtful things to me and I couldn’t bare it. All I wanted to do was be in my bed and ball my eyes out for hours on end. But no, I held the tears back so hard that my neck was physically hurting because of the lump I had in my throat, I couldn’t talk. I have never m=been hurt by her more in my life than that day, until this week. I am done with her. She means nothing to me anymore and I still love her and all I want is her to come back but I have accepted that isn’t happening and I’m just done with her. She is supposed to be my best friend but thats not the case any more. She is supposed to be my family but she certainly isn’t acting like I am anymore. She hurts the fuck out of me.

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Soda 12/28/2018 - 4:40 am

Why do some kids turn out spoilt? It’s because their parents coddled them, cleaned up their messes, spared them from learning valuable lessons about taking responsibility for their actions.

You were too quick to reward your cousin because you needed her in your life and didn’t want to lose her even to the point of apologizing when she was at fault.

These are lessons that must be taught to children and that’s how they become mature adults. Those kids who never take responsibility never had to feel the sense of guilt, remorse, regret, shame that comes with knowing you were wrong or made a mistake.

This, of course, is not all your fault, it sounds like your cousin was probably raised that way (spoiled) by her parents. There’s someone in my life who’s very similar and she can’t admit she’s wrong even though the fault lies with her. My relative and I were very close once but drifted over time.

Where you did err was not to hold her to account. When you give in too easily then people walk all over you. And when you lose other people’s respect then you lose that person’s interest as well. In your desperation to keep your cousin in your life, you ended up losing her by showing her you need her more than she needs you.

The way to have kept her is to draw a line, tell her how you expect to be treated, not to be too quick to apologize, except if you were to blame and be willing to walk away or not see/call her. The main thing is that misunderstandings in relationships always arise and it’s important to clear them up. Sometimes no one is to blame-but all that needs to be done is to sort out what was intended and perhaps for both sides to apologize.

When I was tough on my relative, she respected me more and realized she valued my relationship. I’d never take advantage of that because I have a conscience unlike some people out there. But I treated her just as well as she treated me but when she had been a b*tch towards I’ve been the same way in return.

Why bother chasing after someone who doesn’t want you in your life? Also once you lose that respect then it’s difficult to get back. The key is that you must value and respect yourself first. Create standards for others to treat you by and don’t compromise your values.

Plus if she doesn’t come back to you then you know she’s a rotten individual and you’re better off without her. Whatever good relationship you had in the past is now gone. I’ve found that there are many nasty, selfish people out there even in one’s own family and even if you were best friends in the past.

People are strange, they can change as individuals and they change their opinion about us so it’s better to accept reality as it is than to chase after others hoping to get back what you once had.

There is another relative who I don’t talk to anymore, I recently heard she’s going through some marital problems. In the past I used to offer her a lot of valuable, sensible advice. But she’s the kind of person who treats you like crap when she doesn’t need you anymore. She’s burned her bridges one too many times with me and I’m no longer going to help her in any way.

There was a time we were close and I miss when she used to be a really good person but some people can’t overcome their evil nature. See the funny thing is that I would’ve continued to help her if she behaved well with me, even if it was all an act. She’s a bit narcissistic and thinks she doesn’t need anyone esp when she’s doing well in life.

But her evil nature always brings her back to reality and she goes from one mess to another. She doesn’t think things through and never accepts blame. I have nothing against her personally, I don’t want to see her in a bad place in her life but as I said the last time we broke up was the last straw and I forgave her a thousand times before that.

I now dislike her intensely and I don’t care that we had good times before. It’s the person she’s become today that I don’t like anymore. I went on longer than intended but honestly, you might want to learn from my example. You deserve better treatment and it starts by you caring about yourself rather than counting on other people who are unreliable and self-serving.

In fact that is the key to keeping good quality people in your life, by respecting yourself, be willing to walk away from anyone, standing up for yourself and never putting up with anyone’s bs. Confidence, self-respect is magnetic to others.

strawberrycrown 12/28/2018 - 6:43 am

Thankyou so much for all of this, truely. I actually took your advice and I called out my cousin telling her it is not okay to be treating me like this and she still hates me but we had a conversation and she stopped being so nasty.
It sounds like you went through a lot with your relative so thanks for sharing that with me because I think I needed to hear it ?

TheOpenRoad 12/28/2018 - 5:20 am

Man i feel you. What helped me is to not care. Just see myself as just another body in the sea living people . See everything I’m living through as a replay of events that have happened to people in history, are possibly happening now and will keep happening. I’m right, huh. Since you’re here now. Anyway that’s what i advise.
Are you Indian? Your story sounds desi lol.

strawberrycrown 12/28/2018 - 6:46 am

Nah, Im Australian, idek what desi means ahah. And yeah thanks for this, its something to think about but it is difficult to just not care, how do you do it?

strawberrycrown 12/28/2018 - 6:43 am

Thankyou so much for all of this, truely. I actually took your advice and I called out my cousin telling her it is not okay to be treating me like this and she still hates me but we had a conversation and she stopped being so nasty.

It sounds like you went through a lot with your relative so thanks for sharing that with me because I think I needed to hear it 🙂

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