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I’m not the picture perfect survivor

by ariusversea

I guess I’m gonna keep saying it until it feels 100 p. cent real to me.

Last night, my brother molested me.

And why reveal this to some forum you may ask?

Because I’m not allowed to tell anyone else. And I want [need] to tell someone.

My parents are trying to steer me towards forgiveness. I’m not having it. I’m at my mom’s house and I haven’t seen him since the incident. I feel like my body isn’t mine. Like I will forever be marked by those cold hands on my breast.

I’m desperate for human contact just answer this stupid message I feel like I’m gonna implode. I can’t do this I just wanna rip my body apart. I left my blade in my mom’s room and she’s sleeping and I regret it and I just wanma run run run to someone that’s gonna tell me that i SHOULD feel angry and sad and violated and that praying won’t instantly solve things and hold me and rock me to sleep because God knows I could use some of that.

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16 comments

GoodLuck2UAll 3/24/2019 - 11:24 pm

If you need to talk I got you @ whitewolf9438@gmail.com

ariusversea 3/25/2019 - 10:56 am

Thank you so much. I’ll contact you if I ever need to talk 🙂

Atintofgreen 3/24/2019 - 11:24 pm

Hey I just wanted to say that we are here. It sucks, that the family, those who are supposed to keep you safe, are the ones to hurt you.

ariusversea 3/24/2019 - 11:37 pm

Thank you… It does suck a lot. I’m feeling all these overwhelming feelings by myself and it’s hard to manage. I don’t know how to act, I feel like it’s open season on my unconscious being. It feels revolting.

Atintofgreen 3/25/2019 - 12:00 am

It’s overwhelming when things get so blurry and things are not as simple as black and white. Just know that parents aren’t always right, they are human too.

tired123 3/25/2019 - 3:17 am

I am horrified for you sweetie. I wish i could be there to hug you. NO it is not ok what your brother did. You are allowed to be angry.
How old are you and how old is your brother. You need to be safe and your feelings validated.

ariusversea 3/25/2019 - 10:55 am

That’s another thing. He’s my YOUNGER brother. By two years. I’m just so confused and I don’t understand why I had to be the target.

Cause of Death: Suicide 3/25/2019 - 11:04 am

I get what you’re talking about I have been raped/molested 155 times in 4 years. I mostly feel this to be a hate crime, it is called corrective rape and aimed at lesbians. I can’t even use my body anymore. I’m too afraid to go outside and walk, I used to walk 7 miles every day, I used to read 10 books a year, I used to cook and since the incident I can do nothing. I haven’t walked one mile in about a year and a half. I hate myself now but I always planned suicide happy or violated, love myself or hate myself, the endings the same and I commit suicide. It’s the only way I can cope with such an enormous amount of rape. I am only woman so all I can do is feel violated, but I try to ignore it and keep the bigger picture in mind, which is my suicide which gets closer every day. All I can say is I will be happy to die, I’ve always had a morbid terrifying life.

ariusversea 3/25/2019 - 11:24 am

I can’t imagine what it must be like for you. You’ve had terrible things happen to you by monsters over the last four years and I’m sorry you have to go through that.

I still have a hard time processing what happened to me and I’m still trying to wrap my head around it. I’m relatively fine but I know I won’t be when I’ll have to go to school tomorrow with my molester, free as a bird, with his friends that love and care for him and won’t know ehy I refuse to talk to him and [like everyone else] will trivialize my feelings and make me feel like I’m overreacting when they won’t even know what hapenned. They’ll never know. How do you deal with people like that?????

(Idk when you plan to die but pls stay alive to answer my question at least 🙂 )

Cause of Death: Suicide 3/25/2019 - 12:04 pm

Honestly I’d refuse all contact put out a restraining order initiative. He grabbed your breast, what’s he going to do next? Full on rape? You’ve got to stop it before it gets worse. You DONT want to be raped by your stupid piece of sh*t brother. Don’t even worry about those dumb f*cking kids that are his friends. I’d start now with this piece of sh*t and cut him out of your life for the remainder of it. ENTIRELY. Um, especially because he’s your little brother it is important that you do what you need to do to end the relationship. You are the leader in this scenario. You don’t cease all contact now he’ll start getting funny with you and trust me, it will color your whole life. It will color it a lovely shade of sh*t Brown and you’ll forever be a lovely member of the Alabaman Confederacy. You don’t even need to explain to anyone. If you even think “oh but he’s my little brother, I love him because I am supposed to support him.” Just no. In this case he is not your brother he is a predator, he is a pervert that molested you. He will never be your “brother” again. Cut ties, move on, and don’t think twice because his mistake is not your fault. He is the predator, you are his prey.

ariusversea 3/25/2019 - 1:47 pm

@cause-of-death-suicide
I couldn’t agree more. My dad just told me that I can either throw everything away or “be positive” and I CAN’T BE POSITIVE. I’m not going to have constant interactions with a predator, no matter his age. I refuse to let myself give excuses for someone in this manner it’s revolting and I know I have enough self respect to know better, even though my claims seem to fall on deaf ears.

PatheticMale 3/25/2019 - 3:35 pm

You are doing the right thing. Dont tolerate that shit. Only if you can stand up for yourself you can prevent it from happening again. And cut ties if it´s possible. I am recently trying to do that with my dad. Although I have some happy memories with him and I still care about him even if I dont want to. I believe he has, and always has had negative effect on my mindset and my life. Always putting me down and shit. Thats why I try to see him as little as possible and I try to not let him shit on my head anymore like he did my whole life. I suggest you do the same with the piece of shit human-pig you have to call your “brother”.

PatheticMale 3/25/2019 - 3:40 pm

I also suggest telling someone who is close to you like a really good friend that you know will trust you and support you (if you have someone like that, if not you can at least talk to me or anyone else here but I think in person it´s better). I think talking about it is really helpful.

ariusversea 3/25/2019 - 5:52 pm

@patheticmale
I know I will eventually tell a close friend of mine about it against my parents’ wishes. They don’t want people to label me as an assault victim and think it might lower my chances of getting a husband in the future… I don’t want to go back to my dad’s house but I have the feelings that they’ll make me go back once they think I should be “all healed”. They don’t understand that putting a lock on my door and calling it a day isn’t gonna work. They don’t understand that I’ll lock myself in my room day and night and stay awake in the middle of the night, ready to strangle him if he somehow breaks in, planning on doing the worst. They don’t want to understand that my feelings aren’t the ones they want me to have (forgiveness, love for God, wtv) and it’s hard to explain it to them without them making me feel like I’m difficult. I know I’ll end up telling a close friend out of sheer frustation and hopelessness. I just want someone that’ll defend me without making me feel like I have to consider HIS feelings.

PatheticMale 3/25/2019 - 6:19 pm

Your parents seem very delusional… I am really sorry for that. I know it is really harsh to have it like that because when you are a little child you think of your parents as all good all mighty gods. And to then discover that they are not only average but perhaps even delusional or bad people hurts so much… Just stand your ground. They cannot force you to live there if you dont want to and thats a fact that they should know. If you decide to go back there its because you decided (coz maybe you have no other options available yet) , not because they ordered you to do so. Do you maybe have some other relatives that you could live with? I cant imagine going back to the place where something like this happened to you… Why the fk would anyone consider his feelings? Thats just beyond me.. Again your parents seem very delusional about it. Perhaps they cant get rid of the image of him being a little innocent child because of whatever reasons. And being an assault victim lowering your chances of getting a husband? What a fking bullshit!

ariusversea 3/26/2019 - 11:38 am

Now I feel like I’m constantly having to remind myself that what he did is horrible because all everyone around me does is reason with him and ask me to consider his feelings, stay positive, etc. It’s nice to hear someone actually say something that makes it seem like they have my best interests in mind as a victim, instead of constantly steering me towards being “considerate” and “kind-hearted”

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