Nothing helps…

I experiences this quite a few times. Grabbed knife to suicide a few times but convinced to stop everttime. Now not even afraid of death. I know i walked down to the wrong path. Until one day i googled my situation, i knew i wasnt alone from that day on. Seems like suicide solve nothing for us. Fk all the suffer. I run away from the pain all the time. “We must face every hardship we get”? Why must i? I already escaped from reality. But reality chase after me everytime i run. Then i keep running then. I dont wanna die, i can achieve another level of happiness unlike the others. We are not them.