Hang in there

It’s been 2 years since I broke free from the cage where depression and anxiety lingers that would make me want to be dead. Life was never been so carefree and easy for me. Imagine living in a home where everybody treats you like a lowly one. I was never everybody’s favorite. Even in just a petty thing like a fresh wound gotten from playing around with some of my friends in neighborhood, my mom could give me beating and then, pulls a butcher’s knife in her hands ready to kill my innocent self. It never came to my mind that it was a trauma for my installed as a discipline. A year passed and I was transferred to my dad’s aunt to live there for good since my mom will have some medical mission to attend to (SPOILER ALERT: as if it was true). My dad was working in abroad that time. Before my mom left, as a loving daughter, all I ask was a simple kiss and hug but she became so annoyed when I asked for that but still, she gave it coldly. It was a heartbreaking scene for my grandfather (the husband of my dad’s aunt) to see that.

A year has passed, my mom hadn’t given us some calls nor texts of concern. Consequently, we found out that she left my dad debts to pay instead of her paying it. Wow, she left for ambition huh. There, my depression lingers because my family shown me so much hate for I resembled her a lot. I felt unloved and no one’s going to be there for me. Ironically, every pain were hidden when it’s time for school. Imagine a 10-year old girl with so much going and was forcing herself to hide everything.

I thought everything’s going to fall into the right places but nope. I started high school with a bad leadership skills, the I-thought-we’re-best-friends situation and backbites because of that, I became alone the next school year. The feeling of rejection and harsh remarks trigger a lot to my suicidal thoughts. When will I be able to be full of worth? I reached out to numerous people and they totally told me that I will never be alone. I guess so. Well,  I never truly understand suicidal thoughts but one thing is for sure, it can totally consume and mess you up. There’s this moment where I decided that it’s going to be the time. I grabbed a knife and stealthily hid it within my clothes and proceeded to the bathroom. With tears falling down, a sappiness feeling pouring within. I’m ready to stabbed myself in the chest until something within me was hesitating. There, I remembered the trauma and found the purpose why I came this far in life. I really don’t want to kill myself because I have to prove something to someone who gave up on raising me and that’s finishing my studies and be able to become a well-mannered professional in the future. Also, I have those people who got my back.

To be honest, suicide is totally selfish but we can’t blame ourselves to think about doing it especially when everything’s just way too much painful, depressing, torturing etc. However, it’s within ourselves if we let it consume us or not. I just wanted you to know that you are totally not alone. Try reaching out to people. People who will wholeheartedly listens to you. Getting out of these thoughts can be tricky for it can betray. Moreover, nurture positivism and self-care. You are loved, you are not worthless and you are important.

know this:

you can start over; each morning

From your fellow misfit,

Lia