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All my life

by AppleTree

Iv thought about my own death since I was a child. I almost went through with it in high school and experienced what I felt was a supernatural phenomenon, which in turn kept me going for a long time. Years of trauma, childhood neglect, multiple rapes around college, and being told it was my fault by my community has caused me to keep my hope for death close to my heart. Over the years I’ve experinced successes and failures. More rapes, homelessness, being assulted by cops. I remember thinking one day, this is the day, and then seeing a reflection of myself in a window while walking, and I was struck with a sense of pride in myself, I was proud to be the unique, smart, creative, and sensitive individual I’ve always been. This renewed hope kept me up for several years, and ive reflected on it more than once. More than anything else it’s been a sheer sense of pride keeping me up, I’ve never been one to easily show my weakness to others, and I learned at a young age nobody was going to help me, that my life depended on my own strength to make it happen. I never thought I would make it this far, and ive never ever wanted children as I have been acutely aware of my own pain and would never want to continue that onto someone else. But here I am 31 years old and 34 weeks pregnant. Baby daddy left me after convincing me to have it, and refuses to talk to anyone. He stole my money and has spent it all on beer. All my vehicles have broken down and I can’t work, and won’t be able to for some time as I have nobody around to help me take care of the baby. My house is half demoed, and ive been hanging drywall by myself for the last 2 months. I have hemerroids and leg cramps from trying to do everything that needs to be done. Ive tried really hard these last couple months, and actually have felt some joy and excitement for my baby despite all the hardships. But this last week is hard, and suicide is still as close to me as it ever was, and has remained by plan “b” all this time. I told everyone I know recently to go fuck themselves after they failed again and again to follow through on their commits to help me out with things like groceries and errands. (I’m mad they committed then never showed, rather than just saying they couldn’t to begin with). My life is a joke at this point, and I am truly alone and losing more hope every day. I have no finances, I don’t qualify for any assistance as the state sees me as being too “fit” to receive any, limited family that lives across the country, and very few friends, most of which are sloppy drunks and just annoy the shit out of me any more. I have no buissness raising a child, and never will I give up my baby to foster care, so it seems as though my longest and most trusted friendship is upon me. While again, my pride and all the hard work I’ve put in every day makes me want to stay, I don’t see there being any option. I don’t want my child to experince the loniness I have my entire life, and I don’t think I’ll be able to give him the sense if community he deserves. This industrial world is not a good place and people nowdays are truly a huge waste of the good things this earth once had. I will listen to some mediational talks and I will look forward to me and my child walking into another side of what was once our lives.

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LostInside 5/19/2019 - 12:34 am

Will you send me a message on kik. Bayaud is my name on there. Or discord and I’m Lostinside there.
I really want to help you if I can and I won’t flake.

If not I will definitely be sending you some good thoughts.

AppleTree 5/24/2019 - 12:08 pm

I’ve never used either of thouse sites. Ive somewhat avoided the internet for some time.

LostInside 5/19/2019 - 12:39 am

Lostinside#5842 on discord.

Lostlullaby 5/19/2019 - 2:28 am

Don’t know what to say but I think you are amazing for having been through so much and still stand, still trying to be there for your child

AppleTree 5/24/2019 - 12:10 pm

I dunno what to say either. Depression is my whole life. I’m still not sure.

rocketman 5/19/2019 - 5:34 am

You been hanging drywall by yourself! I have just done that, any woman that can do that is going to make it one way or another! 🙂

AppleTree 5/24/2019 - 12:05 pm

Unfortunately there’s more to life than being able to diy some shit. But I appericiate the positivity.

Kisser 5/19/2019 - 1:45 pm

Hey pls talk to me, to anyone here. Im a fuckin hipocrite, bcs i want kill myself too, but pls, pls, talk to us
Please, i saw this site some hours ago and saw this article and i registred myself in it, but i didnt have courage to talk here. Im sorry, really sorry for didnt say it before, but pls just say something for me, its selfish but i dont want to think that you are dead

AppleTree 5/24/2019 - 12:07 pm

One more week down. I have just a few weeks left to follow through, before my going through, will actually make me a monster in the eyes of everyone.

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