People can’t seem to understand when I tell them that 95% of my time on this earth has been suffering or painful.
Yes there are good times and good friends but they are so few and far between it’s just painful to continue. I’m pretty sure I have major depression, but without any money or healthcare coverage I can’t get it diagnosed, and honestly I really don’t care enough to try anymore.
Also lost my job in 2014, lost my health care coverage, and was rejected for unemployment or assistance of any kind. I had to sell the house, most of my belongings, and burn all of my savings and retirement funds to keep living.
Now I sit here on a few months left of my decimated retirement funds, not enough to survive the next winter, not enough to keep going. I really don’t want to starve to death, so I’ll be taking my way out before then.
I was hoping there would be some help, or UBI or something that might have given me more time, but it never happened.
Even if I had a job again I don’t think it would solve the problem that I just simply don’t belong here. I don’t feel like I’m where or who I should be, and the person that everyone thinks I am isn’t who I am.
I have what I need to do it, I have a place and a time set up. Just a quiet passing by a peaceful lake under the warm sun.
Friends will miss me, family will miss me, but their lives will go on without me. I have managed to rationalize that they’ll all be okay without me. And if they really wanted me to stay knowing how much pain life is, then I doubt I would want to for that reason.
I’ll probably post a few more times until the end, hoping to make it to my birthday in October, I think that would be an appropriate time to check out. Until then I hope you all find the hope that I lost somewhere along the road.