Hi, I’m sorry for this. I’m really sorry. This seems like the best way to get it out thought. I’ve realized it time and time again.
I’m going to die. Life has no meaning. There is no purpose of conscious existence. I rather wish we lived in a world were they could be no existentialism, but obviously not. There is, a simple way out however. So simple. And it would be worth it. It really would.
I have a plan. I’ve been thinking about it for the longest time. Please, please, in the comments, this is a heavy rant, and I know you’ll want to say to “be strong” and that “life is worth living,” everything people want to believe. They distract themselves, and the whole world with mundane things, in an attempt to make life more bearable. The world is full of distractions, beauty, attractions. It only appeals to us because that’s the only thing we’ve ever known. Not to me. It gets boring after awhile. The flowers dull, the world spins quietly. The trees are brittle, the air is cold and pungent. The sun blinds me. The winds belittles me. The moon taunts me from my bedside. No one knows I pretend to smile, and that’s okay. I wouldn’t want them to know. I want them to forget. I don’t want a public suicide. I don’t need people, caring. Knowing. What good does caring do. They’re all indifferent specs of empty meaning. What good is humanity. We only really try to better mankind, and by mankind, I mean all that man has ever known (animals, environment, plant-life, space etc). We only exist because we came from something far beyond our comprehension. But it doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t matter, does it? Nothing does, it’s that simple. We’ve just fallen into an ever changing routine, ruled by those who influence us and those who govern us and those who control what we see. What we know. What we do. My mind is my enemy and my body is a broken temple. There is nothing left for me here. Nothing I want, nothing I cherish, nothing I care about, nothing I need. They like to guilt you into staying by prompting you to consider their feelings. And I do. You just won’t know then. You’ll move on and forget – simple as that. Then they’ll force you into places where the keep you under surveillance. And ask you to share your thoughts and feelings. Make sure you take care of yourself. They try to put you back together with all the wrong pieces. Pieces that are supposed to interest you, motivate you to keep in going. Keep on living and breathing. Keep on falling into distraction. Keep on fight the pain.
Keep on moving.
Keep on running.
Keeping walking.
Keep on crawling.
Keep on inching.
Until you get tired, and stop moving.
You’re mind which was once buzzing is now silent.
It’s all gone, one by one, the pieces fall.
You are left an empty corpse.
You refuse everything they give you. You don’t speak. Don’t move. Don’t open your eyes, nor eat. Your mind isn’t in use anymore.
Such a simple way to die : for you cannot force someone with no will to live, to live. And that is why I’m sure, I’ll die. I’ll loose my eyesight, my speech, my muscle strength. My hearing. I’ll throw up everything from the tubes, strangle myself with the chords, fall down off the bed, use anything sharp to impale any part of my body, I’ll stress myself out, work up a heart attack so that my body has no choice.
I’ll make enemies with everyone I see. So they don’t give me a second thought anytime later. I’ll become estranged. They don’t care when you anger them, do they. Aha, so it is the perfect plan then. I’ll even make up a death date so I have a deadline.
I won’t tell you, of course.
Thanks for reading though,
take care.
5 comments
I would say that suffering has significance – it matters. Axiomatically so. To suffer terribly is to be convinced on a fundamental level that what is happening to you is significantly bad, and you would like it to stop. Conversely, extremely positive states also have significance – bliss, peace, love, wonder etc. The experiences of sentient beings matter, by definition. That’s what significance is – it’s felt, rather than being some objective assessment of reality.
Not making any judgement about whether you should end your life or not here. But it does matter, either way. Your suffering matters. Your impact on the lives of others matter. The future experiences (positive or negative) which you might have if you continued on matter. It all matters. I’m afraid that’s what makes it so difficult.
Thank you for your lovely perspective – and thanks for reading. I agree with you on a certain level but that’s the thing – It does matter, to us, but if we don’t matter, why bother? If in a few billion eons the sun decides to explode, the world over populates, the ozone layer dissolves, where no one lives, but wastes away, finding a way to embed themselves in the hands of technology, where you could make the mistake of becoming immortal by a simple pill – and regret it for the rest of time; where it’s wars result in nuclearization and such, on and on and on.
My eventual suicide is not resulting from me wanting to die, but from not having anything to stay for. Not seeing the point. And Existential Apathy.
(Just a quick note, I have mental disorders such as D.I.D, Schizo, and ADHD as well as major depression, if this could be important.) I am also dealing with a Higher Intelligence=Depression dynamic.
It’s hard for me to explain, but…it matters in the sense that anything could matter. In the sense that ‘to matter’ is a meaningful term. We (being sentient beings) are all that has significance. Without us the world has no significance. Meaning is something we bring to the world…not something that could exist outside of us. Without experiences it’s just…empty.
There seems to be immense capacity for suffering in the future…and that matters. The possibility of eternal regret over a mistake has significance. But there also seems to be great capacity to alleviate suffering, and enable positive experience. A future without disease, starvation, tribal hatred or mental illness seems possible.
If you were truly indifferent, why choose to go rather than stay? An absence of the experience of positive meaning tends to generate suffering. We feel life should seem meaningful, and when it doesn’t, it hurts. Otherwise why need any reason to stay? Why not just placidly roll through life until it’s natural end? Surely it’s because you feel the need for something more, and that absence generates suffering?
As I said, I’m in no position to comment on your decision. I can barely assess the validity of my own decision, with the vast amount of data I have about myself, so a few paragraphs gives me no insight into yours. But it does matter. You matter. If you didn’t then you wouldn’t feel motivated to post, let alone kill yourself. The environment may collapse, nuclear armageddon ensue, the sun may explode, and the whole universe may reach a state of eternal heat death, and your brief experience of this world will still have mattered.
You’ll do what makes you happy until there is nothing else and it’s unbearable to stay. I like how you say your mind used to be buzzing, now it is like there is nothing left. I’d say it all you’ll do is what is right for you. I’d want you to do just what makes you happy and hopefully no one is forcing you to do anything that will make you slit your throat.
Allow me to test the view of your thinking –
The reason I express myself online is simply because I can.
The “meaning” of this action doesn’t exist. It just is. It happened. Because It can happen. Because I made it happen.
Similarly, was their meaning for the beginning of life, how ever it happened?
Tell me, did the being of us that was created back then know?
My indifference is simply not caring – I could live, until I die, but I could also die now, and neither decision would result in another outcome other than death. Timing makes no difference. It is rather easy, to have it all planned out rather than let ” fate” position you in front of a truck or in a car crash, in front of a shoot out, or a misplaced weapon somewhere.
I’m not sad about it. I’m not numb, I feel things. I’m not overwhelmed by life. I’m happy. How would that be mental illness (depression)? I’m genuinely content. You know, like at the end of sappy movies, in which the person knows they’re going to die, but they’ve “lived their life to the fullest” or are content with the life they lead? Or that naïve child with an illness that they know is going to “make them go bye-bye” but they smile at their parents and exclaim they’re going to heaven? That’s me.
You misunderstand. I don’t want “joy.” I don’t want “sadness.” I don’t want anything. Not because I’m bitter. Not because “I think I do/don’t deserve it”, self-hatred, excreta. Because I legitimate don’t care. I have no real interest. The reason why that’s so hard for you to believe is because you’ve been taught this type of thinking. For your whole life. Everybody has. I would go in-depth, but I’m afraid It would shatter everything you know. And cause chaos in your mind. And it’s better for the mass to be sheep, and follow. Not calling you dumb or anything by the way. You’re certainly not. It’s not your fault you we’re born after all, and once you’re born, you’re set for life. Everything is planned out for you. Everything. Nothing specific, just options:
“I want to be x when I grow up!”
” Well, why do you need to be x, when you could be y?”
“Why be x or y, when you can be both?” says the media.
“You can look like me!” Says the tv.
“For only 9.99$ a month you can get x, so you can look like y!”
“Get people’s approval!”
“Find a partner!”
“Have sex”
“Do romance!”
“Pursue something”
“Get money, friends and fame!”
“Die of an overdose!”
Oops.
“You’re not yourself when you’re hungry.”
“Just do it.”
“I’m loving it.”
“Eat fresh”
Coke
Pepsi
Technology
Txtng
Etcetera.
You see my point?
These people made you who you are.
You were never yours to begin with.
You were never your own person to begin with.
Anything anyone can do, has already been made.
People think they’re so “quirky” nowadays.
Who do you think made you?
We did.
You’re ours.
It doesn’t matter what you do – it doesn’t matter if you’re “unpredictable” or “you rebel”
All those concepts were made up. To control you.
This is not about the government, or whatever else people want to blame.
This is us -society – us. Therefore you.
And who’s going to stop us?
You?
Me?
Us?
Who cares right???
lol
Let’s just live the best of our randomly chosen existence and see if we can experience a combination of events that more so than not, lead us into positive outcomes, so when our flesh gives away, I wouldn’t have spent my 70 years of consciousness and birth “wastefully.”
And go watch some Netflix.
Anyway,
I hope you have a wonderful rest of your life. You have my best wishes.