Hi, I’m sorry for this. I’m really sorry. This seems like the best way to get it out thought. I’ve realized it time and time again.
I’m going to die. Life has no meaning. There is no purpose of conscious existence. I rather wish we lived in a world were they could be no existentialism, but obviously not. There is, a simple way out however. So simple. And it would be worth it. It really would.
I have a plan. I’ve been thinking about it for the longest time. Please, please, in the comments, this is a heavy rant, and I know you’ll want to say to “be strong” and that “life is worth living,” everything people want to believe. They distract themselves, and the whole world with mundane things, in an attempt to make life more bearable. The world is full of distractions, beauty, attractions. It only appeals to us because that’s the only thing we’ve ever known. Not to me. It gets boring after awhile. The flowers dull, the world spins quietly. The trees are brittle, the air is cold and pungent. The sun blinds me. The winds belittles me. The moon taunts me from my bedside. No one knows I pretend to smile, and that’s okay. I wouldn’t want them to know. I want them to forget. I don’t want a public suicide. I don’t need people, caring. Knowing. What good does caring do. They’re all indifferent specs of empty meaning. What good is humanity. We only really try to better mankind, and by mankind, I mean all that man has ever known (animals, environment, plant-life, space etc). We only exist because we came from something far beyond our comprehension. But it doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t matter, does it? Nothing does, it’s that simple. We’ve just fallen into an ever changing routine, ruled by those who influence us and those who govern us and those who control what we see. What we know. What we do. My mind is my enemy and my body is a broken temple. There is nothing left for me here. Nothing I want, nothing I cherish, nothing I care about, nothing I need. They like to guilt you into staying by prompting you to consider their feelings. And I do. You just won’t know then. You’ll move on and forget – simple as that. Then they’ll force you into places where the keep you under surveillance. And ask you to share your thoughts and feelings. Make sure you take care of yourself. They try to put you back together with all the wrong pieces. Pieces that are supposed to interest you, motivate you to keep in going. Keep on living and breathing. Keep on falling into distraction. Keep on fight the pain.
Keep on moving.
Keep on running.
Keep on crawling.
Keep on inching.
Until you get tired, and stop moving.
You’re mind which was once buzzing is now silent.
It’s all gone, one by one, the pieces fall.
You are left an empty corpse.
You refuse everything they give you. You don’t speak. Don’t move. Don’t open your eyes, nor eat. Your mind isn’t in use anymore.
Such a simple way to die : for you cannot force someone with no will to live, to live. And that is why I’m sure, I’ll die. I’ll loose my eyesight, my speech, my muscle strength. My hearing. I’ll throw up everything from the tubes, strangle myself with the chords, fall down off the bed, use anything sharp to impale any part of my body, I’ll stress myself out, work up a heart attack so that my body has no choice.
I’ll make enemies with everyone I see. So they don’t give me a second thought anytime later. I’ll become estranged. They don’t care when you anger them, do they. Aha, so it is the perfect plan then. I’ll even make up a death date so I have a deadline.
I won’t tell you, of course.
Thanks for reading though,