Is there a way to not feel this turmoil? To not feel like your lungs are collapsing with every inch of nervousness flowing through my body. To not get triggered by very little things that seem like nothing. To not have racing haunting thoughts constantly flowing through my head. To not hate every inch of myself. To not be able to have a day where I don’t want to end it all. To not see a future ahead of me. To not believe everyone is out to get to. To not believe that I’m out to get me. To not feel like I’m quickly losing my mind.
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To not feel like i m at the brink of insanity . To not have these sudden dark thoughts that rush into you and make you choke and struggle . To not hear the voices inside my head .
It s hard isn’t it …..
I feel sometimes like everyone is out to get me but in a stranger way, like it’s people I’ve never met before in my life. I have been sexually assaulted or raped 170 times in the last 2 years. Mostly fat people or people I have never met before
I’ve wanted to end it all for 15 years now, that’s a lot of days in a row to wish for nothing other than to die. Too bad I failed my attempt……. I am attempting again soon but I’m scared because I have a lot of evil stalkers….. What I want to do is buy a shotgun and then drive out to the forest and walk through it to the middle of nowhere, where I can shoot myself so I will not have to live the life I don’t want, hate, and have never appreciated. I came up with this plan 15 years ago, but I wasn’t of age to be able to buy guns until 7 years ago. Hence, I was supposed to have already ended my terrible life 7 years ago. I have no idea why I am still alive. I finally bought a gun I think 4 years ago, but I don’t remember what happened after that (I think I was raped when some creep followed me and stole it) except don’t know when I could do that, so right now I also have a way prepared that I can die from asphyxiation … all I’ll have to do is drive out to the middle of nowhere but I am not sure if that is a way I want to die because I’ve been planning so long to die by gunshot to head that I just came up with this asphyxiation method last minute after I started getting raped at least once a week… yet I am very low on money and have always been dirt poor so that I have a hard time being able to afford a shotgun or I would have already killed my self…… so I might have to kill myself by asphyxiation (and I should have done it already, to be honest..) but I don’t know if it will work and I’d have to quit my job and I might fail because it is not as sure thing as a shotgun to the head SUICIDE. Which is the only reason I like that method, because there is no chance that you will survive. So then I can finally die. … To sum that all up for you, I have been waiting to die by shotgun to head for 15 years . I would have died already but I started getting followed by all these disgusting creeps..