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Not Alone, Still Lonely

by Sentara Lee

I know I’m not alone. There are many people in my life who love me and I hold them dear to me. They always make it clear that they are here for me, but why do I not feel it? Why do I still feel so lonely at times. Laying in my bed staring at the ceiling. 11:59 p.m. on a school night. Darkness fills the empty silence in my room. Do they not feel the way I do at this very moment? Laying here with this empty feeling and no motivation to even move in the slightest. My mind can’t even race because it doesn’t want to. I just lay here. Empty. I muster up the ability to look at my phone. Everyone that says they are here, aren’t online. I send multiple “hey”s in an attempt to feel something from even a simple reply. Minutes pass. 12:17 a.m. I lay with my phone face down. On vibrate so it’s not too loud but not to quiet in case a miracle happens. 12:23 a.m. Buzz buzz. Hope. Flipping the phone over I see a message from one of my closest friends. “can’t talk right now, busy” it reads. Simple, yet defeating. I feel my entire body relax again. The tenseness I did not recognize until after my hopes were revealed to be for nothing. I want to say that I need help, but if everyone is too busy? Sleep for them is important, but why does no one care about sleep for me. I close my eyes and lay there for what feels like forever. 1:56 a.m. Sleep finally hits my tired body, only to be woken up at 6:00 a.m. Most left me on read or apologized because they were asleep. That’s fine. I wish I could, though. Something so simple, taken. I go to a school and work hard, only to find out I had 2 papers due and a packet of review work for some of my classes. I get a 0% on these assignments, but never an, “Are you okay?” I sit at lunch in silence. An apple comes flying backwards and hits my milk, knocking it all over me. He turns around and says a simple but empty apology claiming it was an accident. That’s it. The final push to me breaking down for the first time today. I begin crying and run off to clean up. 12:13 p.m. I come back to many harsh, expected words from the table next to mine. “Crying over spilled milk?” None of them know that I spent last night cutting up my leg while sobbing in the shower. None of them know that I couldn’t get sleep nor receive help. Defeated, yet unsurprisingly predictable. At the end of the day, I toss my backpack on the floor of my bedroom and feel tears coming down my cheeks. I lay back on my bed once more, feeling empty and meaningless. I drift off and dream of a world where I am happy and someone is always checking up on me to make sure I’m okay. Maybe one day I’ll have that. I continue to hope. Unnoticed. I am not alone in life, for I am just lonely.

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Cause of Death: Suicide 8/21/2019 - 9:49 am

I’d watch your back because your dream actually seems like a nightmare. (If this was a real dream, that is) you sound young but your dream sounds like it may be prophetic into the future. It sounds like it could be representing you in a mental hospital. They come and check on you every 30 minutes. You don’t want to go there especially if you are young and still have even a little happiness left, after going there you will never feel any happiness again and you will never accomplish any of your dreams that you would’ve because you won’t be able to. It’s someplace you should try not to end up in – so just be careful.

spreject 8/22/2019 - 4:34 am

Talk is cheap.

Saying you’re there for someone is easy. Actually helping them is hard.

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