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I’ve got nothing left to lose, but my life.

by FireFLook

I’m shackled to it. I find it cruel.
I’m bound to every breath I take; it’s pain. How do I make it stop?

The walls are closing in, and if I am to deal with this alone, there is only one way out for me.

Alone?

I challenge, I dare, anyone to tell me differently. I have been begging for help for months— No, my whole life?

Cherished people I’ve loved are dead. People I once called friends, are gone. My despairing, tormented existence was too much to tolerate. It is easier for them to deny the problem exists (that I exist), than to offer their hand to me when I am drowning.

These are the people and services that rant about pop culture mental health, as if they know pain. The sort that post: “It’s ok to not be ok”, or “you are not alone” over a serene background, but ignore the phone when you call.

They don’t matter anymore. Their morality is as void as the words they spit.

If life is so valuable, then treat the lives that enter yours with compassion and kindness.

Listen…

I might not be alone in my suffering here, but I am alone; standing on broken legs, battered and bloodied. Perhaps you are too.

I nearly died last week. I won’t say how. The finality of what nearly happened, was a relief. Surviving, is confusing.

What is slowing me now? Instinct. For how long? That’s anybody’s guess. Death is an inevitable one-way consequence of being alive. I’d prefer not to rush, if I can help it.

I used to use this site a long while ago. I might stick around to post and comment, or this might be a one-off.

But…

These are my thoughts, and thank you for taking the time to read.

7 comments
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7 comments

born.sinner 10/14/2019 - 6:48 pm

same boat as u. I have nothing else to lose as well. hopefully I will be dead in about 3 weeks

FireFLook 10/14/2019 - 7:06 pm

Its agonizing, isn’t it?

What’s between now and 3 weeks?

born.sinner 10/14/2019 - 7:31 pm

just some money i waiting to come through. my suicide costs money unfortunately

FireFLook 10/14/2019 - 8:04 pm

Money and time, those two things are the trade the world runs off. Both are distressing in their own way.

I’m sorry things are so sh#t for you as well.

born.sinner 10/14/2019 - 7:39 pm

and it is agonizing. agree 101%

DogCat 10/15/2019 - 1:55 pm

Do you give in the relationships that you mention? or just take? We have to remember that relationships go both ways. It is an inconvenient truth. I am not capable of giving and being a friend. I don’t have what it takes to maintain relationships, but it isn’t their fault.

FireFLook 10/16/2019 - 7:40 am

I believe (speaking from experience) that if someone is in need, you should do everything you can to listen and to help. Especially if that person is your friend. Otherwise, one day the phone will ring, and the contents of that call will devastate you to the core. When someone dies, you do not want to have the regret that you could have done something to help them.

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