Speaking from the heart comes with the utmost difficulty for me, there are things I want to say but not enough comes out or at least what I believe needs to come out. Some things are morbid to the point of the law getting involved but it’s the truth about me. Everywhere I go whether it be home work or school, everyone around me is so oblivious to the darkness, absorbed by their own happiness, you can truly see it in their eyes just how unscathed people are, and I mean the majority of people. They believe that things are meant to get better or compared to us some have it worse, it’s make believe to think that people understand each other and I’m not interested in being better or above those who have it worse. Reality is that there exist the broken and the unbroken, the world wouldn’t be the way it is unless the two existed and I can honestly say that if your reading this, you’re in the minority like me, it takes strength to constantly resist suicidal tendencies, it’s proof that your strong enough to do it. As I grow older my phases from intense lows to high manias continues to increase and for the worse. I’m tired of trying to resist my truth, I was never loved, I never took chances, no one truly sees me, I’m inadequate in everything that I am, I have no interest in mattering in this life because I never will, my only attempt to reach god was for my desire to be with someone that isn’t tangible, a fantasy that’s wrong and twisted, but most of all I’m tired of seeing everyone happy around me while I wallow in this hell of my own creation. The light phenomena was what I named my last lucid dream, I laid on a hammock in some valley cut off from the world, it was late evening and stars gleamed in a way that only a dream could portray and the air was cool, but my breathing was clear and steady, I could breath for the first time, I was free there, but only a dream, not here. It’s not enough, I still don’t believe that I can say everything, I’ll die empty handed with a silent voice, my reality and my truth
1 comment
I like how you talk about an ‘attempt to reach god’ I used to try to reach him, I would ask for his help in ending my life. I would pray that I would die before morning. Unfortunately that prayer was never answered, but how could god be real anyhow. That’s just a fairy tale for funny people.