quirks of my life, why am I here.

For some weeks now I have begun the steps to ask for my assisted suicide. It’s something permitted in my country for psychological reason. I guess that some of you will then guess what country it is. I don’t want any comments on my posts if possible.

I’m sorry my posts won’t certainly be very well written and it won’t be very… how can I say that… liquid in the way that ideas will come as they arrive in my head. So be nice please.
I just want to leave my trace. I don’t need any comments or anything alike. I don’t seek for empowerment or pity or that you try to convince me that life is worth living. I just want that you take my memory with you if it’s not too much to ask.
Of course yes people around me will have my memory too yes . That’s true. I can’t deny that.
But they don’t know me for the most part. Most of them knows that I’m not doing well in my head since I’m a teenager but they don’t know how deep it goes. They don’t and can’t actually understand it. But nevertheless it’s written all over my face. Some of my ex-girlfriends told me that it was charming, what «my eyes were saying… such a cheesy thing to say my gosh^^ so moronic too actually. They clearly didn’t know what they were talking about.
But so all those people won’t get the memory of my true me. So I want you to have it. I want you to keep it. To remember it from time to time.
Actually nearly nobody knows about my administrative steps yet. Only 3 people knows among the 20-30 people who I actually have contact with regularly. None of them are my family members. I don’t really have a family anyway. None of them would actually understand it. Nor understand when I don’t feel well.

In French littérature there is this female author: «  Delphine de vigan ». She had written a book about her family and about her mother more specifically. At the end of the book, this is not a spoiler since from the beginning you know she had a very difficult life, her mother kill herself. Before doing that she tried to phone Delphine but she was very busy if I remember correctly, and so she was a bit distracted on the phone. So the call was very brief, but something was off. Her mother clearly wanted to hear her voice one last time. She wanted to say goodbye… and again just by thinking about it I’m crying… how stupid am I, really^^ Her mother kept fighting until the end, she had a lot of psychological problems, way more than me and way less superficial than mine. Real illnesses. But no matter what, she kept fighting. For her children. Until they were old enough.
So after a few days after this phone call, Delphine was a bit worried. She found her on the floor of her empty apartment. Suicide by pills.
Some time after that or the same day I don’t know anymore, she encountered the female psychiatrist of her now dead mother.
Can you guess what the psychiatrist told her ?
« Your mother was a really brave woman. I don’t know how she kept fighting for so long. »

I think that’s the most beautiful thing I ever read or heard about someone. In this world of indifference, this world of self centrism, at least one person did recognize and claim her courage…. recognize that it couldn’t go otherwise… recognize that it was the only possible outcome and that’s totally fine because she kept fighting until the end. Until she couldn’t. Until she had no more energy to give. It’s so … I don’t know how to express my sort of gratitude to this psychiatrist. I would really like that someone could say that about me when I’m gone.

It would be so ….

I can’t…

I can’t find a word… adequate to describe what I feel about this woman.

Well I’m in the same position today. I’m not able to sustain anymore the hunger of energy of this world. I can’t do it. I’m not that strong. I’ve kept fighting for 16 years now. From my 18 to my 34 anniversary now.. Maybe even more because I’m sure I was not already diving before that.
I’m sorry I just can’t no more. I don’t know why I’m apologizing for. You don’t know me after all. But I feel like I have to.
I’ve done nothing with my life. I’ve tried. I’ve really tried I can assure you. But nothing did come through. Maybe I’m using you as witnesses, maybe as tribunal of some sort. Anyway I’m sorry. I know that people are suffering much more than me. I’ve traveled a lot. I’ve seen the world like they say. I’ve seen plenty of poor places. The slum of Rio, Mumbai, Shanghai,… I can always remember those faces that I’ve seen around the world. Among them, in India, Mumbai or was it in Jaipur, this little girl who was so pretty. She must have been 7-9 years old. She was the cliché of what you can imagine of the poorest people on earth. We couldn’t talk about clothes at that point, but she had that face and that beautiful smile… Maybe my father has still her photo somewhere. She was asking money at a crossroads with her little brother.
I’m sure she is/was suffering a lot more than me. I’m guilty. Guilty of laziness. Guilty of uselessness. I’m sorry because of her. I’m sorry to not have her courage. I’m sorry to not have been able to exchange my place with her. She deserved so much better than me what I had in my too long life already. I’m sorry to fail her in a way. I have no excuses. I’m just a useless piece of Meat. I have literraly nothing in my history that could justify my death today. And I’m sorry for all that.
I would have wanted to do so much things. To help so much people. But I just couldn’t. I’m just nothing.

But again I can assure you. I tried ! Really ! Please believe me. It’s all I have left in this world. The hope that you would believe me. I’m so sorry… If only you knew, if only you could see how sorry I am.
I would so much want you to be able to touch my arm and feel everything I felt, see everything I’ve tried, how hard I tried…. Please believe me.

Of course I could explain to you, with my 10 years of psycho-analysis, why it all ended up here. But in the end, there is still no valid excuse for me asking to the society to put me out of my misery. I didn’t experience a trauma because of an accident or a murder or something alike. I didn’t experience an addiction. Etc etc nothing like that no. Just life. A life of failures for sure but just life in the end.

I’m just a wrong-brain. A bad neuronal schematic. An error that should have been corrected long ago.
And I’m sorry. Sorry for the people who keep fighting where I’m not. Sorry for those I will probably cause some pain. But I know that in the long run they will be happier without me. I’m a real burden. I know you can’t realize that but I can assure you. It’s real. Several people are expressing to me just that actually. My father, my Mother, my Sisters, some of my professors, some really close friends either,… And yes I’ve never worked. Like a real legal work for a long time. You can imagine how my life is just useless. And yes I still even try to study and have Follow courses even so I don’t have the intellectual ressources to do so.

The 13 décember I have my first meeting with a new doctor that will have the authority to tell my general doctor that my suffering is for real. I really hope he will get it. Because if not, I’m screwed.
I’ve tried to kill myself several times but never had the courage to go through the end. I’m afraid. Afraid of everything, of pain mostly. I need someone to help me and I would prefer that it would be a doctor. Someone who just understand my abyss of being a loser, someone who can accept that people can’t bear equally the suffering, someone who acknowledge the need to end a life.

I have a whole plan how to tell everyone that I’m gone. It would be after I’m dead. A video for each and every one of them. A bit like in this Netflix tv show “after life”, so not 13 reasons why. I want them all keeping something of me. A part of me that would have been only between me and them. A way to say that I’m sorry. Also things that I never had the courage to say to them. Good things mostly. Maybe some bad things too. Some things that hurt me at the time. I just want to try to make them understand. Make them understand that it wasn’t really their fault, it was more that I was unadequate for this world.

I have too much hope for this meeting. I’m so stressed out. I don’t know what to expect really. During the mean time I need to face all my failures every day more and more. Because of course you need to prove that you continue to fight. Because nobody is supposed to not wanting to live. But every day is more and more difficult because every day I have new challenges in my courses that I can’t solve of course. And it’s been like that for 16 years. Failures after Failures.

To be truly sincere with you all, I’m lying for a couple of years now to most of the girls or people I meet in general on dating apps or otherwise. After having been honest for most of my life time. I am not anymore. I’m lying about what I own. I’m lying about money. I’m lying about my past, about what I do. I invented a whole life. That too is exhausting actually.
Some of you I’m sure experienced the same thing. Everything change when you lie. People look at you with more respect. They actually care for what I’m saying now. They actually listen. I let you imagine how lonely I was when I wasn’t lying.
Now it represents 85%-90% of the people I know. I keep the same lie for everyone of course. It’s simpler, less chance of an error.
For that I’m not sorry. People made me do it. For that I’m angry to the world. Maybe some to some of you too because maybe you are part of those kind of those people. If I have been accepted the way I was, if people were reliable with me, that I could count on them, that they would accompany me every step of the way if I had to change, I wouldn’t have done it.
It’s also part of why I want to end it now. I don’t want to live in a world like this. It’s a choice that I’m putting out there.
It’s not something which is going to change. One of the 3 people who I have said to my will, is a psychologist. She told me that the system is not going to change so it’s maybe me who need to adapt…
Well sorry but no.
I’m not doing that. I’ve made my whole life efforts that cost me all my Energy. To be accepted, to be loved, to get a job, to be accepted in some courses even. Sorry but no more.
And even, what’s that supposed to mean ? If I still need to change after everything, then where my personnality is going ? What is the limit ? Why is it worth living a life where actually my personnality is in question ?
And if I want to extrapolate on that, it’s the same for psychopaths, pedophelia, serial killer,… I know that it wouldn’t be in their neurological pattern to ask for euthanasia. But if for any reason one of them would ask for it, I don’t see why they should be refused to get that right.
It is not a society for them. And it’s their personality who is in question. Their innerself.
Well it’s the same for me. I don’t see the limit where it will not be asking of me to change something. That means my personality is not adequate to this society. Well this needs to stop. So just let me go already.

That’s why I’m stressed for this appointment. What if he says no. That I’m not qualifying for that right. It would mean that society is not agreeing to have my personality around, but at the same time it won’t authorize my termination… You see how tricky it is. And I feel really desperate for that.

I’m so tired. Just help me end it, that’s all what I’m asking after all.