I’m just bored. You know?
I knows it sounds stupid, “I want to kill myself because I am bored.”
I also know it is always more to it than that. I have a 4 year degree in psychology.
I want to get my masters, but I have to pay off the state from my previous failed attempt at a Master’s before they will release my transcript and allow me to try again. One of thousands of dollars I owe people.
That’s the thing. I fail at everything. Well, not really. I don’t fail…I quit. I am a quitter.
I just can’t do things. I can’t stick with things. Either chronic pain, anxiety, depression, feelings of inadequacy, or I just can’t leave the house.
So, what now? I see no hope for the future. The house is falling apart around our heads. I see no way to ever better myself or my situation. We can’t sell the house unless we move. We can’t move unless we sell the house. No way out. No way forward. Just stuck.
Wake up, clean, work 3 hours, stare out the window, rinse, repeat…over and over. The bills come in, I throw them away, I go to bed.
I am unfulfilled. I feel worthless. I feel like a burden. I am unhappy. I am unsatisfied. I see no way things will ever change.
I JUST DON’T WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE!!!!
I stay for my husband and my daughter. I know they would be devastated if I killed myself. I love them too much to do that to them. I stay for them.
There is only the Tao. That is the source. Returning to the source is serenity. I want that.