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What You Put Here

by DogCat

I’m just bored. You know?

I knows it sounds stupid, “I want to kill myself because I am bored.”

I also know it is always more to it than that. I have a 4 year degree in psychology.

I want to get my masters, but I have to pay off the state from my previous failed attempt at a Master’s before they will release my transcript and allow me to try again.  One of thousands of dollars I owe people.

That’s the thing. I fail at everything. Well, not really. I don’t fail…I quit. I am a quitter.

I just can’t do things. I can’t stick with things. Either chronic pain, anxiety, depression, feelings of inadequacy, or I just can’t leave the house.

So, what now? I see no hope for the future. The house is falling apart around our heads. I see no way to ever better myself or my situation. We can’t sell the house unless we move. We can’t move unless we sell the house. No way out. No way forward. Just stuck.

Wake up, clean, work 3 hours, stare out the window, rinse, repeat…over and over. The bills come in, I throw them away, I go to bed.

I am unfulfilled. I feel worthless. I feel like a burden. I am unhappy. I am unsatisfied. I see no way things will ever change.

I JUST DON’T WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE!!!!

I stay for my husband and my daughter. I know they would be devastated if I killed myself. I love them too much to do that to them. I stay for them.

There is only the Tao. That is the source. Returning to the source is serenity. I want that.

Serenity

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4 comments

Once 11/12/2019 - 5:11 pm

Sounds like a commercial for a perfume.

“Serenity, by Tao.”

I’m not trying to be sarcastic or a smartass, sorry. I get what you’re saying.

The sheer stupidity and pointlessness of what we do to simply “be here”, in our little circus. What can make it more baffling g and frustrating is watching the non-affected scurry to and fro, minding the details as though to violate any of the instructions found in The Official Manual for Being a Human on Earth would result in severe punishment.

I never received a copy of the manual.

DogCat 11/13/2019 - 12:53 pm

Ya. All the supposed manuals are bunk. lol

shatterediris 11/13/2019 - 11:02 am

You have a 4 year degree though, that’s not horrible…. You could’ve instead gone to school for 6 years and come out without any degree. :/

DogCat 11/13/2019 - 12:52 pm

Yep, after 20 years, I got a 4 year degree….lmao. After leaving and going back and switching majors, etc. lol. I am happy I finally finished it though.

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