alcoholism

i think im starting to understand it…..get a grasp. well at least this is how its working for me. i hated myself. i was going to cut. i was going to cry. but instead i had a drink. nothing much. just a bit of crown royal i snuck into a bottle of pop behind peoples backs. the point is though… it made me feel good. i forgot about cutting. i had no intentions of sitting there crying. i actually started laughing and smiling. so far so good. but its at this point i know i start chasing that. i start drinking more and more to try to bring that happiness back. but i know it never comes. and yet still another drink i have.