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Everyone’s stressed

by clinicallydepressed

Ok this is my first post on this website, and it’s pretty much going to be a little bit of a rant. Nobody I know understands me, and hopefully someone online will…
Two days ago, I attempted suicide. I won’t go into detail, since I know that’s not allowed on this website. I’m a senior in high school, and two years ago my parents found out I was self-harming. I’ve been safe since then, but this year, my depression returned, worse than ever. I am well aware that I am luckier than most — I live in a two-parent, middle-class household, get straight As, etc — so really, there’s no reason for me to be depressed. Maybe it’s the stress of college applications or the impending thought of graduation, but something about this year triggered my past habits.
On Monday, I started cutting again and attempted to kill myself. Halfway through, I panicked and called the people I considered to be my best friends. They assured me I wasn’t going to die. Yesterday, I went to school and wouldn’t stop crying in any of my classes, and today I couldn’t even muster up the energy to get out of bed.
And this is the crux of my mental dilemma. I’ve seen my so-called friends (the ones who know the dark place I was in on Monday), and not once did they ask if I was ok, how I was feeling, or any such empathetic question. When I brought up my stress and depression, they immediately diverted, saying “Oh, yeah, I’m freaking out about college apps too.” My gut reaction is understanding that yes, they may be worried about looming deadlines, but neither of them attempted suicide two days ago. Is it too much to ask that they check up on me? One of my friends has had trouble getting over her ex, and I listened to her talk about him every day for almost a year. I tried to kill myself two days ago, and maybe I’m being irrational, but in my mind that warrants a little bit of compassion.
As I type this sentence, I find myself wondering if they are the problem, or if I am because I’m the “crazy” one. No matter how good things are, I always seem to find myself back in the space where I feel as if those around me are acting callously. I definitely struggle with depressive and anxiety disorders, which can impact the way I see those around me, so I don’t know if my perception is what’s messed up in this situation. At the same time, my other friends have all sensed that something is wrong and have been checking up on me. If anyone has advice, it would be much appreciated. <3

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4 comments

Spellcaster 12/5/2019 - 12:41 am

I think you have to find your depression’s source i was like that like a month ago i was finding life meaningless but i find a person which keeps me alive because i can’t suicide for her. My advice is go outside make new friends because your college friends are not good frienda it seem like it find something else from suicide keep your mind busy.

lostcase 12/5/2019 - 5:52 am

hey, i feel you and i completely understand what you are feeling. i hope you are a tiny bit better now. let me tell you something, after you get of highschool it all feels like a blur it really does. it might not become magically wonderful in collage but it’s definitely better. those aren’t friends cuz friends are supposed to care. and it is such a big deal so tbh fuck them. collage is stressful but trust me time won’t run out. i chose a uni then i hated it and changed and it’s absolutely alright. you’ll meet new people and things can get better. you know u can rant to me if you want cuz honestly i felt that lots. you are just supposed to fix yourself magically too. stay safe love.

TheTruePurple 12/5/2019 - 7:59 am

:B

Celaena 12/5/2019 - 4:27 pm

stay strong! so many people are loving you

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