When someone you know commits suicide

I have been a long-time lurker on here, several years perhaps? It’s all a blur… I’ve never felt the strong desire to post, until now. A classmate took his life recently and I am still coming to terms with it. I was never particularly close to him. I mean, we were friendly, but nothing more than classmates. However, as life would have it, I started getting to know the guy a bit better a few weeks before his passing (at least the parts of him he wanted me to see and vice versa). We talked for hours. Cliche as it was, we were really warming up to each other. Break was approaching and things didn’t seem so shitty. I didn’t wanna kill myself every few minutes. The last time I spoke to him, we talked about our plans going into the New Year. Then it happened. His family had tried to get a hold of him. Cops found him. We were alerted. At first I felt a sense of betrayal, but I had to remind myself that we weren’t even close, right? I mean, I was just gettin’ to know the guy. Soon after, I felt a deep sense of envy. How had he been so goddamn brave. As someone who has carried out what I call “weak attempts”, I felt pathetic for not being successful. It started to hit me really hard the next few days. I can’t put my finger on why. I think I saw so much of myself in him. We struggled with similar issues. I kept thinking maybe this is the catalyst I needed. That extra push. I’m sure he’s at peace now. My obsession continued to grow. I constantly thought/still think about it, more than ever. I feel like my toes are wiggling over the edge and all I need to do is take that last leap of faith and I’ll be free. It’s true what they say about us suicidal folks. We don’t want to die. The thought of dying itself is not usually what we idealize, correct me if I am wrong. It’s the peace that comes with knowing it’s over. Like that last sigh of relief that you expel after a stressful event where all you do after is crawl into your bed and hope/dream that tomorrow never comes. Lemme tell ya, the pain gets heavy. I don’t know why it’s considered selfish. It’s selfish forcing someone to lug the pain around for years on end. Of course, I couldn’t tell the grief counselors this. The ones they dispensed to cover their asses. It was such a superficial charade. “We are here for you, we care!” Bologna. There’s something wrong about a school that has consistently had one suicide every year for the past several years. Incredible considering we are only a total of 400 individuals. I digress.