beginning of the end

First thing I want to say is I’m glad I found this website. I don’t come here often. Usually only when things get really bad do I check in and read the posts or post something of my own. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve been prepared to die. I know that this time is different, though. Usually there’s this feeling in my stomach and I know I won’t really go through with it. Something always stops me. I’m always determined to try again. But not this time.

I have nowhere left to go. I’ve cornered myself and ruined myself. I’ve messed everything up and life is crashing over me. I can’t stop it. I know what I did to get here and I know that it is all my fault. I accept that. I hate the fact that I keep ruining my life and every time things go well I do something wrong and ruin it again. I hate it, but I accept it. It was my choice, after all.

I’ve been trying to ignore my issues for a while now. I just can’t deal with the pain so I push it all away and I pretend that everything is fine until it smacks me down and overwhelms me. Then I just push it away again. As my death draws closer I can’t push that pain away anymore. I keep hearing my parents tell me that I’m going to hell or my mom telling me how she messed up raising me. I get so mad at them, especially her, and she doesn’t understand why. She just doesn’t know how much their lack of acceptance hurts. They say they love me but I know its just this lie that I keep living that they love instead. They hate who I am. They’ve told me before: they love me, but they don’t support me. Being gay is a sin, and who would they be if they were to ever support me? People always say give them time and they will come around. But I know them. They’re not going to come around. They won’t ever accept me. They’re not coming to my wedding, they’re not meeting my partner, they probably won’t ever meet my children. Its life.

And it really hurts.

That’s not even why I’m doing this. Its a part of it, but its not even why. Do you ever just look back at your life and wonder when it all went wrong? I wish I was never born. I wish I had killed my self years ago and saved myself the pain. Everything was going so well, too. I had my future figured out, I had everything in place. And then just like that its all gone.

It will be better if I’m dead. My family will be better off. I’ll save them a lot of heartache. I know they’ll be hurt by my death, I know they love me. In the end it will all be okay. It’s fine. I’m not scared of dying anymore. Just nervous about what comes after. I hope I find peace. I’ve been praying for peace for years. I hope I find it.