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i don’t want to be this way

by swoftiebunsx

tuesday, february 18th 2020. 4:25pm.

i know nobody chooses to be this way, nobody wants to be this way. i certainly don’t. but i can’t help it, i’m in this never-ending hole of depression. i’ve been to the hospital, i’ve been to therapy. i thought everything would be okay once i got into therapy. some days start off okay, just me dreading to open my eyes and wake up. but something small happens and i start overthinking about it and it just — ends up me wanting to relapse. i don’t have anybody i trust to talk to about this. i’m alone.


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Bamsa 2/19/2020 - 10:16 am

I’m sorry you have to go through this alone. I wish I could talk to you. When did these feelings start? What kind of things make you lose control of your thoughts?

swoftiebunsx 2/22/2020 - 1:59 am

i guess since 4-5th grade bc of ptsd, i got into self harm in 6th-8th grade. i’m 13, i’m still struggling w it. i had a lot of pressure from my family to do good in school, never really close to my family either, bad relationship w my dad. it was too much for my 6th grade self to handle, all this stress and these hateful words from the people that were supposed to love me. i didn’t know how to deal with cyber bullying or bullying in general either since i never really trust my parents enough to tell them anything. nor do i have friends to rely on. i’m therapy, discharged from the hospital in dec 2019 and things are just more stressful and the thoughts get worse.

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