Thrice, now, I’ve tied a knot and tried to use it to end things, and thrice, its never pulled tight enough. I don’t understand why my body is so durable, when it should be frail and weak. I have no doubts about wanting to die, so its not a lack of conviction that stops me, but either a lack of energy, or a lack of knowledge. I want to know how to get rid of myself once and for all- a painless way that inflicts minimal trauma on others. A suicide that affects no-one is impossible, but I can try.
I’ve been thinking about suicide for years, but I wouldn’t have called myself suicidal until November 15th, 2019. That was when I realised that I would never be enough for you, or anyone else. The only silver lining I ever received was fleeting, and each day is now a new lifetime low for my self-esteem. I wish I hadn’t been so hopeful. Hopeful that you would change your mind, or that something spontaneous would happen. Had I not been, maybe I would have had more practice, and finally finished things.
I was inspired when I noticed a post here yesterday, mentioning that their suicide note wouldn’t contain what they really wanted to say. Maybe I’ll say what I want to here. Maybe I won’t have the guts to blame anyone else for my feeling this way, even anonymously- or maybe it’s just that I do believe everything that happened is my fault.
Bourbon, you’re an asshole. Probably the only one I blame at all. Like seriously I think you exclusively could have driven me to this.
Phi, I wish I never knew you. I wish you never made me fall for you. I wish I never asked you out. I wish I never opened that box that showed me what life could be like. I wish I had remained a hermit. I wish I could trust you when you said that it wasn’t my fault that you broke up with me. I wish that I didn’t join the dots so soon. I wish it really wasn’t my fault. Because it was. The only reason you gave that wasn’t invalidated by dating him was me. I wasn’t enough for you. I was too much for you. He was just right.
For everyone else in that group, I wish one of you had said something back then, when it could have done something. I wish anyone had cared enough to ask me if I was ok. I wasn’t, and I’m not now, but words don’t really mean anything anymore. Even when I type this I feel as if I’m on autopilot, and sometimes that’s how it feels when people try to tell me things will get better. They haven’t, bar once, so why should
Silver lining, you made me feel wanted when I felt that no-one could love me. You seemed perfect for me. No-one else had ever accepted me with my flaws, and I finally felt like with you I had a place in the world. For whatever reason, the world didn’t agree. Your life got better, I’m sure, but better at the cost of mine. I hope you don’t blame yourself though. It’s not your fault, and you deserve a good life.
I’m not willing to carry on through this though. Not for you, not for anyone else I mentioned, nor anyone I didn’t. If I was able to kill myself properly, I’d already be dead by now. I lament the possibility that I won’t actually get to see how long it would take for people to get over me, but it’s fine. Stopping the suffering is more important to me now. A long time ago I would have apologised, but I don’t think that’s appropriate anymore. This is what I want to do, and I can’t apologise for that. Hopefully I can just die, and not have to deal with these feelings again.
2 comments
Hey there, poetic soul! I also never feel like I’m enough, but only because I have no self-love to begin with. You said: Not enough for you, too much for you. This gnawing feeling, when you know, that you could do way better, than that person but you’re head over heels for them… Having daydreams and future expectations. But then the other person thinks you’re overbearing and your joy gets sucked out of you. Being overbearing, without them knowing what actually goes on inside our heads.. If they knew, then shit, we’d be declared silly for all eternity.
Don’t be mad, that nobody asked you how you are doing. It’s honestly not that great. I’m always super nervous, when somebody asks me that. The sad thing is, that the polite answer is, to say that we’re fine. And that’s what we often chose to do.
Yes! You shouldn’t apologize for how you feel and what your life has come to. At a point in life, apologizing seems like a way to tell people, that they were right. And often we say sorry, even if we don’t mean it. Not meaning anything I’m saying seems pointless..
I didn’t say anything smart or helpful to you, but well.. Take care either way. It’s so hard to find a person, that will accept all of you entirely. It takes a long time and basically them not being involved with others already. What a lonely world to be in…
I’ve heard from someone that to soften the blow they cut off contact with their loved ones slowly and then ‘moved’ and only message on media or phone very limited… then, they maybe just disappear or something and nobody knows if they went missing, ran away, were abducted, but they never actually get the gory details of what happened. , .