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by Virus.Found

There’s been way too many times, where I’ve been jealous of my brother. May it be his appearance or body in general. Or his great health.
I just don’t understand, what went wrong with me, when my family is able to have pretty children. Like what the fudge am I.?

I work really hard on myself, yet can’t ever look as good and be pain-free as them.
I love, how my ‘obsession’ over that, makes me look narcissistic in the eyes of psychotherapy.
I’ve got the word written down a lot of times in my last Psych-report.

Now I’m just wondering… Aren’t ‘people like me’ just meant to be that way.? Pretty people don’t ever have to think about all that crap.
All this self-hatred, just because I wasn’t lucky enough.

I think I made this post after two years since my last post, because I’ve been trying to connect with old friends. And they all look good and happy. And I’m still stuck after 6 years.

I love my mind, my creativity and even the dark places it can go to sometimes. But… My body is all ‘wrong’. Positivity is really not for me, I fall harder whenever I try.
When you love your mind that much, that you’re scared to die, but don’t see another exit… What do you do.?

(I hope I didn’t make someone hate themselves even more, rather than thinking: This person has the thoughts, I’ve been having today. Also, looking up your friend’s life’s on social media is always a bad idea. They might suffer as much as you do, but try to pretend it’s glamorous.)

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lonewolf23 2/21/2020 - 2:04 am

I guess I can kinda relate in a way. My older brother has always been more successful than me in anything but now I’m seeing my younger brother becoming more successful than me now too. It’s such a pain to feel like one is being left behind but I think that’s where we shoot ourselves in the foot and jeopardize even more of our progress. Also I think it helps if we don’t see it as “progress”. From the point of view of a nihilist like myself I think it’s best to just pursue happiness and do what’s right for ourselves regardless of how far “behind” one thinks they are. Live life to the fullest because it doesn’t last very long in comparison to other things in this universe. Easier said than done I know but it’s worth it in the end when it’s time to leave this place.

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